Birdland

If I've had a stranger night, Nikita, I can't recall when. I took your advice and ended up at the Red Whore with Konrad after a long night of drinking. In my best Russian accent, I loudly pronounced that "I want the 'little bird', and my comrade Konrad will have your best sexually deviant role player". The madame of the house actually raised an eyebrow, but I assumed it was due to the request for Konrad. The madame disappeared into the back rooms through a bead covered doorway, and we made ourselves comfortable in the small waiting area until our entertainment arrived. The first woman to appear from the back was a small, extremely hot redhead with alabaster skin and piercing blue eyes - eyes that gave you the feeling they had seen many unspeakable things, and weren't really bothered by it. She looked the part of "Little Bird," and I have to admit I was just a little let down when she looked at both of us and said, "Konrad"? His face lit up and we were making that face men make in situations like this - the face that says, "DAMN! She's totally hot, and I can't believe my luck!" Yes, we think that, even when we are paying for it...Konrad high fives me as he disappears behind the beads with his entertainment for the evening.  I wait another five minutes or so, and begin to wonder if  I've been forgotten. A strange sound began to emanate from the back, and after a few seconds, I realized it was someone imitating a chicken, but very badly. The clucks and whines came closer, but I still can't see anybody and I'm beginning to get a little creeped out - I see feathers behind the beads - obviously, this little bird really likes to play the part - I don't know how to politely say the next thing I saw, so here goes - a very large, no, huge (150+ kilos) woman in a full chicken outfit, complete with wings and beak and bird feet appears behind the beads - she is making bird sounds, strutting around like a chicken, pecking at the beads, having a bird conversation with herself, and she makes her way over to me in this weird circuitous path - she pecks at the furniture between us as if she is sampling her environment, sizing me up as part of her next meal, I don't know - my better judgement was too confused and hypnotized by this one woman freak show to exit the brothel. I  watched in horror as she approached me, looked me in the eyes, pecked my earlobe, then abruptly turned around and ruffled her ass feathers in my face. EEW! She continued her grotesque walk toward the back rooms and beckoned me to follow with her beak - keep in mind she still hasn't spoken a word other than chicken sounds -  For the life of me, I can't imagine going anywhere private with this abomination, and my head is swirling, wondering if it is some elaborate cover for one of our agents (I'm pretty sure this time it's not you) and perhaps when we go into the room, she will drop the disguise and speak to me like a normal person - I have no idea what to do - yes, for the first time in my career as a spy, I am at a loss for what to do next - so, per the manual, I follow through - we go down a long hallway with lots of doors and turns, lots of smells and noises I'm not sure I want to know the origin of, and we come to the end of a hallway - chicken wire surrounds the door, and one incubator-like light shines dimly overhead. Nikita - WTF have you gotten me into? The "little bird" opens the door ahead of me. (and I am  basically in shock at this point) A human sized bird nest has been crafted in the middle of the large room, complete with sticks and cotton and a large round futon in the middle - around the edges of the area are various devices that I am guessing can be used to hang a chicken upside down, restrain a chicken in many various positions, and a noose-like apparatus that I can only guess is for those who like to choke their chicken.  A huge bowl of jelly beans is on another table but I'm not hungry - the bird uses her wing to flip open a valve located on the wall - a slight hissing sound ensues, and I quickly begin to feel light headed - she begins to do some sort of "mating" dance - clucking and chucking, and I am beginning to find all of this very entertaining - within a few more seconds, I am howling, laughing to the point of tears, and find myself joining in this dance ritual- I begin to make bird sounds of my own, more rooster like of course, and the laughing gas is really beginning to kick in now - she makes her way over to the jelly beans, scoops up a mouthful, half chews them, and spits them at me, expecting me to catch them in my mouth - The batshit crazy scene I am part of  has me laughing to the point of tears, and I am surprised when the bird gets very upset that I won't let her regurgitate jelly beans into my mouth and charges at me, full speed - she knocks me backward into the nest, landing on top of me, and has me trapped due to her extreme weight - I am panicking, but the bird becomes very calm and focused - I am pinned between her prosthetic chicken feet, and she starts to hump me, and I am laughing, yet terrified, but I don't care, but I have to escape, but chickens don't hump, but this is no ordinary chicken, and suddenly the wings are coming off, and she is squeezing my nipples, cackling like a hen in heat, and I think I may have passed out for a bit right at this point (or maybe I was in shock and had to block the whole thing out of my mind to remain sane) but then I came to, and she was repositioning herself in a way that would have smothered me had I not been able to grab a large stick from the bird nest and give her a very painful poke in her egg chute - she rolled to one side and began to moan like an injured human - there, back in territory I am familiar with - at least the injured bird's moan let me know the immediate danger had passed, but I am still in some life-sized chicken 'processing' room in the back of a brothel, and since I came here upon your instruction, and since you must somehow know this strange bird, I leave a few hundred euros by the jelly beans and take my leave. I decided Konrad could take care of himself, and walked the 6 kilometers back to my hotel room to clear my head. 

But my head has not cleared Nikita. I'm not sure if you were given bad information, or if you have played some  horrible game of vengeance with me - I thought we were on the path to healing our strained relations after your last letter, but this morning I am not so certain. Can anything be simple with you? I miss the times we shared before my lust overwhelmed me - Remember our drive up into the Carpathian mountains?   It was so simple and close and good - The picnic by the mountain lake, the wine and cheese, our first kiss....The way we wanted the drive to last forever? My hand was on your knee and kept sliding south. I miss those times Nikita. I'm confused, but my work keeps the demons away for now. I must make my next rendevous , so that is all for now. 

S