The Savage Breast

Sergio,
I am shaking as I write this. I am sure it is from the conflict of emotions inside me right now. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I feel, I don't know who to trust. And you, my love, are not making it better for me.

The last I told you, I was given a drug to make me more paranoid and evil than Konrad himself. And somehow your man-brain decides that this is a good time to tell me the story of your first kill and your tryst with the beautiful woman at the windmill. Just what every woman wants to hear... her lover telling a story about making out with a beautiful woman who is not her. Don't think I don't know who you were talking about. Don't think I don't know why you are thinking about this particular woman (with that strange little man following her) at this particular time. Don't think I don't know her features and how you find them so attractive, and how very different they are to my features... especially as I sit here alone in my fat suit. You may be able to handle yourself as a triple agent, but don't think you know how difficult a situation you have gotten yourself into now with me... as they say: "hell hath no fury..."

It has taken an hour of meditation to get myself into a state of mind where I can attempt to be useful. I drank a gallon of chamomile tea, lit 32 candles and listened to 2 cds of hindu chanting...just to be able to unclench my hands long enough to write you. My first attempt at this letter looked more like:

dfjklserwuiodfjsk hjkfhjk dfdlmcklmklmelmekl;mejklcjkfn d4f 454590m09vejmr90dfjndfjknjkdlsfjkevbcndsmkiohuewpjoklmwzxoaj

which is what happens when the keyboard is punched with a closed fist.

Now I have a slight tan, strange accent, sore throat and I have to pee like a racehorse. But at least I can think clearly enough to know that perhaps the AntiSanctity is responsible for most of my desire to rip your balls off and throw them into a grinder of their own.

And I do know that we have a mission, and that I am in a key position. Sergio, I cannot trust even myself. If the way I feel right now is anything like what Konrad feels on a daily basis, the world is in great great danger. But because I am in such an altered state I need you to do the thinking for me....(the convulsion that just ran through my body at that thought was sickening). Even Ozerov is staying a safe distance from me... he is not sure that I will remember that I must keep him alive. My desire to thrust my ball point pen through his eye for doing this to me is very very strong. I keep notes for myself to remind me of things, like... "don't kill Ozerov, i need him alive to take this implant out of me." and "remember I love Sergio, don't kill him either" and " Konrad is not my friend, you will need to kill him one day".

Lately Konrad is the only person around here who seems to make any sense at all. we have begun to enjoy passing knowing smirks to each other as we pass in the hall... the kind that say :'yeah, I know, every one here needs to die, except us". Strange how paranoia causes you to mistrust everyone, except the untrustable... to think everyone is against you except for the other person who thinks that everyone is against him even though it is him that is against everyone. I feel strangely attracted to him... and alienated from everyone else, but there is a distant voice, it sounds like the voice of an attractive, slender woman, a woman with a name I rarely hear spoken anymore, with a life I don't remember, an accent from a place I have sworn I am not from... she says to stay away from Konrad, and trust only Sergio... but that voice is so small, the rage is much louder.

I feel the chamomile wearing off but am bloated enough, so i will end this letter now. What I have been doing is collecting memos, letters, hacking into emails... I will pass them on to you. I will leave the interpretation and rational thinking to you. My mind is not clear. So here are some pieces of correspondence. Please advise me if there is action to be taken.

N

PRIVATE MEMO FROM KONRAD TO OZEROV:
Ozerov,
there is another 'office meeting' at my lake house. This time you are invited... required to be there. Bring your assistant. There are people coming that you need to meet.
-Konrad

Email hacked off Konrad's private mail account:
From: Polo@unimark.net
To: Konrad@gmail.com
Subject: the common cold

Hey Konrad,
the dispenser prototype is ready, man. not sure why you think the world needs another kind of air freshener, but what the hell, as long as I get paid, right?
I'll need that last installment in hand before I hand over this thing. tell me the where and when.
-T

Intra office memo, Ozerov to Ingrid (me)
Ingrid,
Meeting tonight at Konrad's lake house. He has requested that you wear your blue pinstriped dress suit... the one that 'shows your assets' were his exact words. Remember you must do as you are told.
Ozerov

half of a phone conversation eaves-dropped on:
Konrad's personal assistant:
"Marco? yes, great... yes, tonight is the meeting. They will all be there. Konrad had a truck deliver something there this morning.
Uh huh, yeah, yeah... you might get your chance... Meet me at the back kitchen door around 9 and I'll be able to get you access.
right, good, thanks"
(end)

MESSAGE LEFT IN MY APARTMENT:
Nikita,
Get close to Marco. He will not know you. Find out what he wants
Grigori