Code: Clothespins

Nikita,

Remember that thing we did with the clothespins that time? Sooo hot...You said you had never felt more alive, yet violated in a most peculiar manner? It's time again...Find some clothespins as soon as possible. Use 7 if you have to - I think six was your limit, but the current circumstances dictate the strongest stimuli possible...

You must, without fail, be certain to do the following exercise immediately - Do this! your sanity depends on it...

Now.. you know where you like the clothespins to be - put them on - NOW! all seven - are they in place? good...

Focus.... focus....focus..... remember your mission....squeeze two of them now. Hard. remember the mission. grab two others and squeeze them now. really hard. you must remember the mission. You are undercover, you are to keep Ozerov alive - you are the woman I love. squeeze them again - You are the woman I love. harder! I love you. Keep squeezing...Konrad is your enemy. Do not trust him - He wants to harm everyone - keep your distance emotionally - now choose another clothespin - squeeze it until you want to scream -that is to remind you of me, of the desire I feel for you, the lust I feel for you, the love I feel for you, the overwhelming need I have for you - do not forget! if you think you are forgetting, if you begin to doubt my love for you at any time, squeeze there again...over and over until the thought dissipates - the bruises will only be temporary, but your mind will remember the love that lies hidden inside you - Squeeze the first two again - remember the mission! squeeze them again - now you will remember everything I just told you.... you can let go now, the conditioning will stay with you for a few minutes at least...

Now,

I don't know WTF Grigori is talking about, wanting you to get close to Marco - I heard Marco is telling practically everyone he knows that he will kill you on sight - with malice... Do me a favor and ignore that little tidbit from Grigori - sometimes I wonder if his personal motives get in the way of the missions...my own paranoia radar is going off on this deal...We've got too many fish to fry with this Konrad thing to even worry about Marco right now...What is Grigori up to?

Grigori doesn't know, but I've made arrangements to return there and be nearby Konrad's cabin this evening - Since you're required to attend, and since Konrad's invite specifically asks for your attendance, we can't be too careful - I'd prepare for the worst - Konrad may be onto you and Ozerov, and may be using his remote lake house to set you two up - It's also possible he needs both of you to handle the distribution channels, as he cannot be so close to end users without drawing any more attention to his already compromised lab.

I expect for the evening to go one of two ways - either the meeting is a legitimate gathering of business partners that will require your deeper involvement in the distribution channels, and you are there strictly on business....the meeting will go fine and all parties will leave without incident.

or...

Konrad is ready to tie up all loose ends before going international with his plans - I'm afraid Ozerov may be a loose end, and therefore, you qualify as one also - (and I'd make a joke about your loose end - a fat suit joke - if you weren't so sensitive right now.... STOP! Pinch yourself if you feel anything other than humor at that line!) Now...pack your fat suit wisely with your favorite weapons, my dear - the evening could get interesting...

I'll have a boat waiting on the lakeshore, and a few of our men will be in hiding around the lake house compound. It's hard to get too close because of all the activity up there, but after dark we'll move in, being sure to stay back and out of the way unless we hear or see anything out of the ordinary going on - Your HF transmitter is small and easy enough to fit right on top of your "assets" and can be accessed quickly if there is a situation - if that isn't possible, use your old standby, the Nikita scream...We'll swoop in fast if we get either distress signal....

Are you still wearing the clothespins? God, I miss hearing your scream - it reminds me of so many things we have done...you know what I am talking about. yes, those things.....give them one more hard squeeze for me...

I hope to see you through my night vision goggles tonight, safe and out of harms way - I'll be the one undressing you in my mind - that fat suit is the first thing to go...then your dress, then .. well, let's hope the evening is all business and not a shoot 'em up. I'l be near and ready to equalize the situation if things go wrong Nikita....know that...

S

The Savage Breast

Sergio,
I am shaking as I write this. I am sure it is from the conflict of emotions inside me right now. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I feel, I don't know who to trust. And you, my love, are not making it better for me.

The last I told you, I was given a drug to make me more paranoid and evil than Konrad himself. And somehow your man-brain decides that this is a good time to tell me the story of your first kill and your tryst with the beautiful woman at the windmill. Just what every woman wants to hear... her lover telling a story about making out with a beautiful woman who is not her. Don't think I don't know who you were talking about. Don't think I don't know why you are thinking about this particular woman (with that strange little man following her) at this particular time. Don't think I don't know her features and how you find them so attractive, and how very different they are to my features... especially as I sit here alone in my fat suit. You may be able to handle yourself as a triple agent, but don't think you know how difficult a situation you have gotten yourself into now with me... as they say: "hell hath no fury..."

It has taken an hour of meditation to get myself into a state of mind where I can attempt to be useful. I drank a gallon of chamomile tea, lit 32 candles and listened to 2 cds of hindu chanting...just to be able to unclench my hands long enough to write you. My first attempt at this letter looked more like:

dfjklserwuiodfjsk hjkfhjk dfdlmcklmklmelmekl;mejklcjkfn d4f 454590m09vejmr90dfjndfjknjkdlsfjkevbcndsmkiohuewpjoklmwzxoaj

which is what happens when the keyboard is punched with a closed fist.

Now I have a slight tan, strange accent, sore throat and I have to pee like a racehorse. But at least I can think clearly enough to know that perhaps the AntiSanctity is responsible for most of my desire to rip your balls off and throw them into a grinder of their own.

And I do know that we have a mission, and that I am in a key position. Sergio, I cannot trust even myself. If the way I feel right now is anything like what Konrad feels on a daily basis, the world is in great great danger. But because I am in such an altered state I need you to do the thinking for me....(the convulsion that just ran through my body at that thought was sickening). Even Ozerov is staying a safe distance from me... he is not sure that I will remember that I must keep him alive. My desire to thrust my ball point pen through his eye for doing this to me is very very strong. I keep notes for myself to remind me of things, like... "don't kill Ozerov, i need him alive to take this implant out of me." and "remember I love Sergio, don't kill him either" and " Konrad is not my friend, you will need to kill him one day".

Lately Konrad is the only person around here who seems to make any sense at all. we have begun to enjoy passing knowing smirks to each other as we pass in the hall... the kind that say :'yeah, I know, every one here needs to die, except us". Strange how paranoia causes you to mistrust everyone, except the untrustable... to think everyone is against you except for the other person who thinks that everyone is against him even though it is him that is against everyone. I feel strangely attracted to him... and alienated from everyone else, but there is a distant voice, it sounds like the voice of an attractive, slender woman, a woman with a name I rarely hear spoken anymore, with a life I don't remember, an accent from a place I have sworn I am not from... she says to stay away from Konrad, and trust only Sergio... but that voice is so small, the rage is much louder.

I feel the chamomile wearing off but am bloated enough, so i will end this letter now. What I have been doing is collecting memos, letters, hacking into emails... I will pass them on to you. I will leave the interpretation and rational thinking to you. My mind is not clear. So here are some pieces of correspondence. Please advise me if there is action to be taken.

N

PRIVATE MEMO FROM KONRAD TO OZEROV:
Ozerov,
there is another 'office meeting' at my lake house. This time you are invited... required to be there. Bring your assistant. There are people coming that you need to meet.
-Konrad

Email hacked off Konrad's private mail account:
From: Polo@unimark.net
To: Konrad@gmail.com
Subject: the common cold

Hey Konrad,
the dispenser prototype is ready, man. not sure why you think the world needs another kind of air freshener, but what the hell, as long as I get paid, right?
I'll need that last installment in hand before I hand over this thing. tell me the where and when.
-T

Intra office memo, Ozerov to Ingrid (me)
Ingrid,
Meeting tonight at Konrad's lake house. He has requested that you wear your blue pinstriped dress suit... the one that 'shows your assets' were his exact words. Remember you must do as you are told.
Ozerov

half of a phone conversation eaves-dropped on:
Konrad's personal assistant:
"Marco? yes, great... yes, tonight is the meeting. They will all be there. Konrad had a truck deliver something there this morning.
Uh huh, yeah, yeah... you might get your chance... Meet me at the back kitchen door around 9 and I'll be able to get you access.
right, good, thanks"
(end)

MESSAGE LEFT IN MY APARTMENT:
Nikita,
Get close to Marco. He will not know you. Find out what he wants
Grigori

Nikita my dear...

I hope you are able to keep your perspective with the drugs Ozerov gave you. Remember I love you. Be certain to exercise caution when reacting to circumstances around you, as paranoia can make unreal things seem more real than they are. I'm doing well here, but I am concerned for your safety, even though the world's safety depends on your making rational decisions in your irrational state. Hey, you remember the circus? I can't believe it!

I was certain they had 'rearranged' your mind so you would not remember your days in the circus and your horrible disfiguring accident at my hand. I thought I would never again be able to mention our days and nights traveling with the national circus, carousing with the sideshow freaks and witnessing disturbing acts between people and animals - things the internet can never properly convey, because you have to be there to understand the love that can exist between circus performers whether they be human or animal, or both.

My trip to Moscow has opened up a pandora's box of memories little bird. The smells of the circus never really leave one's memory - upon my arrival to the caravan, the first thing I noticed/remembered was the overpowering smell of animal urine, and I wondered how I wasn't offended by it when I was a performer - there's no escaping the lion spray and funky old elephant smell that permeates the big top - every rope, canvas, trailer, costume and bleacher seat begins to take on the funk of the animals - the sweat, the hot dogs, the popcorn grease, the cotton candy stickiness, and the peanuts seem to soak their way into the air around the event and create some other worldly place - a place where so many amazing feats of athleticism and animal trickery are performed - wowing crowd after crowd, town after town, year after year...

It was the happiest time of my life Nikita - to be sneaking off with you behind the tent at the end of the show, our impassioned trysts in the folds of the tent, always watchful for your father, as he would have both our heads if we were caught - we were so young and beautiful - our bodies so perfect and tight and smooth - there's no stopping nature, and around all of those horny circus animals... who could blame us for having our own private circus sideshows...


And then the accident...we were invincible and young, and you wanted me to show you things.. we were the darlings of every town the circus traveled to - fame and fortune were certain to shine upon us, and we pushed the envelope to make our show more spectacular every week - I begged you to use the net, but your confidence was so strong, and I foolishly expected you to keep focus, even though we had just gotten through driving one another to hazardous distraction out back of the tent moments before our routine....The fall devastated me inside as much as it disfigured your leg - I lost my confidence, and once that happens, a trapeze artist can no longer 'perform' in public - (This is not the time for innuendo jokes, but know I thought of a few at that last sentence...)

You were sent away for rehabilitation, but during the month you were away, you were 'reprogrammed' to forget all memories of the accident and me - upon your return, you were a changed person - I was relieved in one sense, as you didn't remember the accident, but your complete amnesia about me was hard to accept. I made a promise to myself that I would be a friend to you as your injuries kept you from being able to socialize. I brought you lunch and spent every spare minute with you, never letting on we had a connected past - I was overjoyed we were able to start a new relationship after thinking I had 'lost' you forever. Our attraction quickly blossomed, and before long we were falling in love. Grigori and your father made a decision we could not be together. It crushed me when you were sent away to Greece.

In my despondent state, I was approached by Grigori (whom I always thought was an odd type of person to own a circus) and he talked me into becoming a spy for our country. What a long strange trip it has been since then.

It is well known that circuses have a high percentage of social outcasts and genetic mutants - It is not well known that circuses are usually run by spies - such a simple and clever cover - the owner can move from town to town, making contacts that seem innocent enough - They visit old 'friends' and meet new ones over dinner and drinks - Shows are a great meeting place for undercover agents who have to keep their cover - they can meet in the crowds and talk at length with no chance for detection. blah,blah, you already know this...

My training advanced quickly, as I had no lover to distract me. I was schooled in the ways of the spy, from learning the impeccable manners of the social elite, to becoming lethal toward anyone who crossed me. Before long, I was passing along low level, non-critical information at the circus - over time, the information became more sensitive and my 'errands' riskier.
Within a year, I was a well trusted operative for Grigori. I missed you, but over time, my work took on a significance that made your memory more distant.

My first kill was accidental - well, not really an accident, but I wasn't planning on hurting anyone. I was in Oostburg, and was to meet a woman named Guinevere at an old working windmill. When she showed up, she was very flustered. (and beautiful) She was under the impression she had been followed - I climbed to the lookout window at the top of the windmill and didn't see anyone, so we exchanged the packages we had for one another. We made small talk for a few minutes, and my eyes kept drifting to the soft curve of her breasts below her blouse. Her wavy blond hair stopped just short of her nipples, and they were staring back at me - she called me on my wandering eyes, and I blushed in shame.

She moved a step closer to me and took my hands and said, "I'm not sure why, but I think I want to kiss you" ... I closed my eyes and smiled, and within a few seconds, she had pressed herself up against me - we began to make out there in the windmill - our clothes were well on their way off when the door burst open and an odd looking little man with a limp ambled into the windmill yelling for me to get my hands off his wife. I think he was as shocked as I was when he realized my hands weren't in near as compromising a place as hers were, and she wasn't letting go. Awkward...

Without missing a beat Guinevere yells "you little bastard - I told you to stop following me!" He runs to the near wall, grabs a pitchfork and begins to charge the two of us, yelling at the top of his lungs "DIE BITCH"! It was like he was in slow motion, and he had this gimpy gait, but he was picking up speed and I was wondering if we were going to be impaled together in eternity. Guinevere let go of me just before he reached us and jumped back, which left me in the path of the pitchfork. I was thinking 'thanks bitch', but I managed to avoid the tines and grab the handle, flinging the small man over toward the grinder wheel - his shirt got caught in the turning mechanism, and he could not free himself before the gears had picked him up and pulled him into the grinder - It's amazing how much grain one little man's blood can contaminate...

Turns out the little man was a crazy stalker from the pub Guinevere worked at, and was not her husband, boyfriend, friend, or even somebody she wanted around her. It was an unfortunate end, and we had to leave him for the farmers to clean up, as the information we had exchanged was not to be compromised...(at least not any more than it would have been had we not been interrupted...)


Ah, but that is all just one story from a past that happened so long ago Nikita - I wax poetic when I think of those times, and am curious why you now remember the accident - do you remember our love? The reprogramming they put you through is supposed to be permanent, but it excites me to think you may be able to remember our young love and the times we shared in the circus....

Getting back to the present, Marco has recovered from the bookstore incident a few months ago, and is doing his best to discover where you are now. He is said to want your head on a platter after the beating you gave him. The irony is that he is one of Konrad's down the line distributors, and may be unknowingly involved in the distribution of Sanctity, as It seems to be synthesized into the coke Konrad is distributing now. Are you able to keep your thoughts in order? How is Ozerov? Any ideas on how to get the antidote for celtox? You must find a way to get this information out of Konrad - how is his failsafe setup - who releases the flu if he is killed? who is in charge of that virus....

Hang in there NIkita - My thoughts are with you frequently now that I am near the circus again. Pretend we are on the high wire tonight, floating through the air, smiling...

S

Gone, not dead.

Sergio,
Well, it has been a while. So much has happened and I am glad you are so far away. I needed all my focus. That side mission Grigori gave you came at such a perfect time. You may or may not know, but you have been killed. At least that is what Konrad thinks.

Ozerov was visibly shaken the morning he was supposed to have the meeting with you. This was so out of character for Ozerov, so I stayed very close to him that day to find out all I could. He was going in and out of his office, bumping into things, the way people do when they are besides themselves. I figured if I got into his way enough he might explode and tell me something. But he didn't, he would simply look into my eyes... there were a couple of times that I thought I even saw a glimmer of warmth, but then his gaze would steel over and he would go back to looking right through me again.

Then, I was in his office and noticed a piece of paper that hadn't quite made it into the shredder. I managed to get it and it was a note to Ozerov from Konrad that said only two words: 'Kill Sergio'. Why he had not been more careful with such an incriminating piece of evidence is worrisome, but for now I will just be grateful for the warning.

I knew Grigori was planning on sending you out to help with a mission in the Russian National Circus, and so I let him know to send you right away. I am sorry, my darling... We can not risk you getting killed, and there is too much that we don't know about all the drugs here. I would rather have you alive and sharing your expertise about the art of the trapeze with Russian mafia, than dead in an office in Minsk. Ah, I remember those days, Sergio... you in the tights and leotard with the... bulges I couldn't take my eyes off of.... your muscles and your... If only i could have paid better attention to where your hands were, I may not have missed them and fallen so hard. You were so sweet to retire from the trapeze after my injury, nursing me back to health and helping with the physical therapy to get my foot to point forward again. Those days under the big top with you were some of my favorites.... but I digress

I fianlly did manage to break Ozerov's concentration... with my fat suit it wasn't difficult to continue to get in his way, even when I wasn't trying. I was at my desk stretching my sleeveless arms up just as he was walking by holding a spiral notebook, and the spiral got caught in my armpit hair. Since I knew you were going out of town, I had taken to growing my own instead of using the glue on kind and it really hurt! There was a bit of a tussle while he tried to extricate the notebook and as I sat there clasping my stinging arm to my side he said: "Genovese, now more than ever you MUST NOT let Konrad know I have taken the Sanctity." Then he exclaimed half under his breath and half to me: "Damn it Sergio, why did you have to piss off Konrad? ....We were almost there."

So Genovese was indeed, in on something. We know Ozerov didn't kill her, but he definitely needs to keep her close, as Ingrid. He has never blown this cover until now. He has always been so careful. We also learn from this that he really did want to confide in you to bring Konrad down... and he doesn't want to kill you. But why would his taking Sanctity be something to keep from Konrad? I would have figured Konrad wanted everyone under his control with this dreamy mollifying drug. I have since learned the answer to that question too, but first let me continue.

If Ozerov didn't want to make you dead, I could at least make you gone... and maybe gone could be as good as dead. I would rather have you 'dead' in a Russian circus, than alive in an office in Minsk, getting killed...When you didn't show up at Ozerov's meeting, I created some 'evidence' that you were out of the country, fled.... I assured Ozerov that you would not be coming back for a while. Ozerov took that opportunity to create a story for Konrad that you had been killed and your body had been destroyed.

Now, for the Sanctity... First let me say that there is no antidote... only a blocker. Konrad keeps the blocker with him... and he has plenty of it, but I have not learned what form it is in... i don't know if it is a pill, vaporizor or liquid. This blocker needs to be taken before Sanctity is taken. I am not sure of all the details.... but I do know that Sanctity cannot be reversed... it's acute stage definitely subsides, you come down from the high, but the memory of the experience stays forever. The paradox is that it is actually a memory eraser, but of a very specific kind... It destroys all memories of ego... it eliminates the idea that you are special or unique in any way. The more you take, the more distant the memories that are erased. If you take enough you return to the same state of awareness that you were when you were born. Konrad wants to be the only one who doesn't take this stuff... he wants to release it into the water, or air... and reduce the population into a spineless, whimpering lot that he can rule and manipulate.

I learned by listening to the micro transmitter that Konrad had been insisting that Ozerov takes the blocker, and was prohibited from actually doing Sanctity at all. I guess he wanted Ozerov to stay as 'sharp' and 'evil' as he... and use him for all he can... But in this meeting, Konrad has told Ozerov to stop taking the blocker... This also makes me think that Konrad has already started to send the drug out to everyone in some form... perhaps just the office... I will need to find out more. I certainly don't feel any different.

But, Sergio... This is Konrad's error... What he doesn't realize is that when a person loses sense of ego, he knows 'all is one' and this is a strength. Konrad believes this to be a weakness. This is how we can win this Sergio, this is Konrad's fatal error. This is a gift: if we can manage to play into his hands, Konrad can give us strength when he thinks he is giving us weakness. If, of course, it can be done without getting killed by him, just for fun, in the meantime.

The tension I see in Ozerov is not that of maddness brewing just below the surface, but instead it is the strain of someone who has merged with God. The strain of someone who is forcing himself to do the dirty work of Konrad in order to stay close enough to destroy him. Ozerov was pleased that you had experienced the drug, but to Konrad, he had to act like he was pleased for a different reason. And he was sad when it had not destroyed enough of your ego to stop you from confronting Konrad and putting him in the position to kill you, but he had to act angered by you for a different reason. And he was relieved when you left town, but had to act relieved that you were gone, for different reasons. I am sure the only actor that could play his role in the movie of this story could be Kevin Spacey... and even he would find this a stretch of his abilities.

I am thinking, that Ozerov is actually kind of a nice guy... Wait, here he comes.

I will leave the voice recorder on and program it to send you the whole transcript of this message automatically...

"Ozerov, is there something I can do for you?"
"Ingrid... Genovese..." he whispers, "I must do this while I still have an ounce of perspective... You have been faithful to me, and I have kept you alive, (albeit disfigured into this hideous creature) but I cannot trust even you. Konrad is moving forward with the release of Sanctity and I need someone to play on his level. I have given you the blocker to keep you paranoid and fearful enough to keep my secret, but now I must give you something more..."

there are sounds of a rustling, a brief small struggle, like when someone is trying to get a spider out of someone else's hair... and a tiny gasp

"Ozerov, what have you done to me?!"
"The implant contains AntiSanctity plus a Sanctity blocker... you will not only not be able to experience Sanctity, you will bcome even more judgemental, cynical and fearful than Konrad himself. Although you and I both know there is the ultimate strength in 'all is one', for now, we need a player to match Konrad's style. I cannot keep up this facade of not having taken Sanctity any longer as now Konrad will be expecting me to be on it. For this I am glad. Of course you know that only I have the ability to take this out of you, so I know that you will become paranoid and fearful enough to keep me alive at least long enough to remove the implant and return you to your normal state. Without me you will be like Konrad forever. Perhaps after some time you will not care, but for now you do remember how sweet life can be.... I am sorry, please forgive me."

"Ozerove, I.... " Oh my God, I feel strange.... "Ozerov, wait, I...... I.... you fucking bastard, you fucking psycho hippie BASTARD!!! You think you have that power over me? YOU THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME??? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM.... YOU FUCKING FUCKING LITTLE BASTARD."

This message has been sent automatically
from the voice transcriber of Agent TF43

Konrad's phone rings....

'Hello'

'Konrad?'

'Ah, Sergio...my delusional friend - how did you like the Sanctity? I trust you enjoyed your little mind vacation...'

'I'm not sure what that was all about - Does everybody and everything seem incredibly beautiful to you when you take that stuff?'

'Ha ha ha...once you've seen the light, it's hard to readjust to normal life my friend - I'm having another party in a month, and of course you're invited...We'll continue our game of "what is Sergio's real job?" '

'Yes, well, we need to talk about that Konrad - I'm quite certain you would have killed me had I not managed to escape the dental chair - and still I feel a strange kinship to you  -  we have unfinished business between us.'

'Where are you right now?'

'I have the GPS in my phone bouncing off several different towers, all random, and you'll never find me until I want you to. Do you want to have sex with everyone when you're on the Sanctity Konrad?'

'I want to have sex with everyone when I'm not on Sanctity, Sergio! - The Sanctity makes all of our inner desires rise to the surface  - we are no longer inhibited by shame or societal norms, and the true loving nature of our selves is revealed - Society's boundaries and pathos are washed away, leaving a childlike innocence - a reverence for all creatures and life. Even a mother fucker like myself has redeemable qualities in God's eyes -  Sanctity  has given me faith in God and an inner knowing that anything I do on this earth is His plan.'

'Some of the things you said while I was strapped into your chair don't mesh with your faith, Konrad'

'And you think you can change my mind about anything, Sergio?'

'You have a point. I still have to tell you about my misadventure - Who else could understand? I alternately curse and bless you for hitting me with that syringe. It was fascinating  - my experience can be summed up quite simply - we're all one, and it's all love - That's it, the secret of the universe. Every person and every living thing I saw seemed to have a soul - a soul that I could communicate with - there was an unspoken understanding of our interconnectedness - I'm still quite fuzzy about a lot of the last three days, but I know I have never felt so much love and deep guttural satisfaction during sex - and it was just as intense holding hands and staring into people's eyes as it was to be entwined completely in the throes of passion. You have created a drug that will either save the planet and mankind, or lead to the utter destruction of everything good in our world.'

'Tell me something I don't know, Sergio. Let me guess - you're going to be the one who saves the world from Konrad and his evil drugs - how noble...'

'Konrad, your reputation precedes you - You are notorious for a thousand miles in any direction - You are feared, respected, loathed - you threatened my life just three days ago, and I can't figure out how you can be so ruthless when you've invented a drug like Sanctity. 

I absorbed the slightest dose and had a sexually religious experience with a hooker.  You've tried it at least a few times, yet still have the instincts of a cold calculating business mogul, ready to take out any and all threats that stand between you and your goals. '

'He who creates the poison also creates the antidote.'

'There's an antidote to Sanctity?'

'I can never be too careful Sergio - Like with you , for instance. You were quite believable as the chemical salesman, until the point where you pulled your escape from the chair - You've had some sort of training - I can't put my finger on it - you're not Interpol because my labs would have been swarmed  with agents by now, but no chemical salesman would be capable of weaving such a deceptive web of lies, or of infiltrating my labs within a few weeks of meeting me'

'Konrad,  I've been stumbling around a brothel for days (actually quite enjoying myself) but now that I've landed back in reality, we have some serious matters to address. Ozerov has set a meeting with me tomorrow. I think it is in your best interests to make sure I live long enough to report the details of our meeting back to you. Of course I want something from you in return for handing you Ozerov's head on a platter, but we'll discuss that later.'

Sergio, I'm fascinated that you think I need anything from you - I'm quite capable of taking Ozerov out on my own, and although I do thank you for exposing this weakness in my lab staff, you will never live to see me fall from my position of power. In fact, I'll give you a heads up - prostitutes have no scruples - their bodies and the information they get from loose lipped Johns can be bought for a price - Your little hideaway at the brothel did not go unnoticed by me.  You may want to leave Minsk, and take your girlfriend or whatever she is. Things are going to get ugly for the two of you if you continue to interfere with my life's work.'

'Things are going to get ugly anyway if you continue to develop Celtox and Sanctity...'

'I'll have a little of both ready for you the next time we meet.'

'How can you be such a bastard after taking Sanctity, Konrad?

The antidote takes me right back to my old familiar self. Whenever I've had enough tripping, I take a cure. All my experimentals have an antidote, but I'm not stupid enough to let anybody know what or where those are. So you see, I am in control of the entire situation here, and you better move along before somebody you love gets killed.'

'It's unfortunate we won't get to develop our "friendship", Konrad.'

 'Death is a development'

'I've had enough of your threats Konrad, have a good life...'

'Enjoy the rest of yours Sergio, it may not be very long'...

click....

Nikita, 

Good morning! 

How are you? (besides being the most amazing lover in the world...I'd go into detail about the feelings I'm having toward you, but we don't have time)

Above is a transcript of the conversation I just had with Konrad - Are you certain your cover is good? You are the only chance we'll have to get an antidote for the Celtox and the Sanctity, and after revealing to Konrad that Ozerov and I are to meet tomorrow our time is running short  - I know you said they have a meeting later today - I hope I haven't put Ozerov in a position he can't get out of - I'm sure you got the surveilance kit from Grigori last time you saw him - You must be sure to attach the micro transmitter microphone to something he carries with him - maybe his clothing or briefcase - I know you can figure that out yourself.  

I'm meeting Grigori for a late lunch, as he tells me an important side mission needs to take place this evening  - I was bummed for a moment until my career priorities asserted themselves - I really wanted to see you again, but the mission must go on, and perhaps this exact moment isn't the best time to be lost in your arms. (Well, at least for the mission's sake.)

Be careful my love - we still don't know if Konrad and Ozerov are setting a trap for the both of us. I'll keep my receiver on - you know the signal to send me if you are in grave danger  - I hope that never happens - I want the next signal from you to be whispered in my ear, at close range....'more'

S

More Questions than Answers

Sergio,
It is nice to hear from you again in your normal state. Of course you don't remember, but I saw you more than a few times during those three days of.... Sanctity. What a ridiculous, ironic and insidious name... as you are anything but safe and forgiven as long as it is flowing.

I already knew I had some damage control to do after saying your name to Konrad some days ago (ahh, if I only had killed him when I meant to, our lives would be much less complicated...HA! only a trained killer could say that!). I was planning my strategy when you showed up at the brothel asking for your 'Little Bird'. Sergio, you were a sight. It reminded me of the home movies you showed me of your father during his Berkley days... smiling, staring at the sky, swaying to music that no one else could hear... you just kept saying how you "loved your little bird, you want her to fly with you". (While snooping at the lab I had come across info on Sanctity.. and based on your 'symptoms' I figured you had this in your system. Later, back at the office I heard about the party and realized my guess was right on... more on that place later). That is when it was clear what I could do. You looked like you could be pretty easily manipulated and I figured I should keep you where I knew you couldn't get into too much more trouble. I paid some of the other girls to go to you when you came in asking for me... told them to say you would be taken to me. Of course I instructed them to just keep you in there and play cards or something. In your state it seemed all you did was hug them and cry over their wasted their lives.

I also told the girls to be quite talkative about this guy, Sergio who has been in 5 times a day for the past 3 days and how he insists on calling ALL his 'ladies': 'Little Bird'. You were the talk of the brothel, honey... I am sure this would be pleasing to you if it was for another reason: ("wow, you had to see this guys equipment... HUGE", instead of "What a hippie freak"). On the third day, Konrad came in. I timed it perfectly, Konrad came in just as you asked for the Little Bird and one of the other girls took you away. I came down the hall just quickly enough for Konrad to see me seeing you, but not quickly enough for you to see me. As soon as you were around the corner I fell into hysterics, with the obligatory: 'How could you do this to me's" and "You are my life!!! Seeeeeerrrrrrgio!!!" and then even an "I am nothing without you!!!" Konrad seemed to agree with me on this one, as he spit on my leg and called me a crazy bitch whore. I stayed, sobbing on the floor until the Head Madam collected me. She also cursed out the predicted line: 'That fucking freak bastard is spending a lot of money here with every girl in the place, Fuck you if you think I am going to let some crazy bitch pussy scare him away from my business...GET OUT!." Perfect. I don't have to quit, because I am fired!

Konrad laughed and laughed and seemed very pleased that I was nothing more than I psycho prostitute, and Sergio simply a guy with a strange fetish. I am fairly confident this should get us both off the hook, as long as we continue not to be seen together again. It also gave me the reason to hang up my leather thong for good and quit the whoring business. I of course did this with great style, to make sure Konrad saw the whole thing. I called the madam a queen bitch for enabling Sergio to see other girls when she knew I was in love with him, then called her a few names that I picked up while working at this fine establishment. That got me a good slap in the face which created a very genuine shriek during which I pushed passed Konrad and ran out the door (and kept running until I was home). I did notice that Konrad was sober, so now reading your letter, it is clear that he has some sort of antidote for, or block against the Sanctity serum... We will need to get our hands on that, it could prove very very useful.

By the way, I don't think I need to tell you that Konrad never raped me.

Now that all that is cleared up, I have to focus on what is going on at the lab. Ozerov should be nervous. Your story does explain a lot. He was not invited to that party, and of course word has spread (via the 'coke fiends') of this guy Sergio from Interpol who threatened Konrad. Ozerov also knows that you were given Sanctity, and given the information he has told you, this should not be good news to him. I am watching him very carefully. He is a cool one, that is for sure. He seems to be acting completely normally, but his 'normal' leaves a lot of room to guess about things. He is practically a machine, always the same expression, the only soft and variable part of his face being the complex tangle of hair sprouting from his ears when they catch a breeze. Those out-dated glasses.... shit, they look like they are from the 50's. Hey, you know he reminds me of the character Michael Douglas played in that movie, Falling Down. He looks like he's a normal guy, but he is doing this slow brew and I have the feeling that some big explosion is brewing on the inside.

He has reported that some files have gone missing ever since the day that car ran through the laboratory lobby (hmmm, I wonder how that happened?!) It only reminds me of our night in the park, but I must control my urge to smile when he mentions it. He has concocted a story that the little red car that drove through the wall was registered to Genovese. This is not true, but if it was, this information would appear, of course, to confirm Konrad's 'suspicions' about her and validate Ozerov's decision to 'kill' her. Now after reading your letter I am not sure whether the 'damage control' Konrad told you he had to take care of back at the lab was to get his hands on these files from Ozerov's office, and Ozerov does think they were stolen, or whether they are files that Ozerov himself has taken perhaps to use as future collateral, or perhaps to cover up some information that would incriminate himself against Konrad. I am working my way through all the files now to see if I can find what is missing. So far he has not told me specifically what was taken. But if Ozerov is lying about the car, and Konrad is the one who took the files, this could mean that they are both working together against an even bigger opponent.

I have to admit, Sergio, this Ozerov has me really guessing. I am still not sure if Genovese was in his confidence and that is why he saved her from Konrad actually killing her, or whether she is punished and it is all part of the sick torture to have her here, trapped with him inside this Ingrid's identity. His expression is like stone; he rarely makes direct eye contact, but when he does, I am not sure whether to give him a look of gentle knowing or sheer terror. Right now I am simply matching his avoidance and giving him the feeling that I am afraid. I think for now this will work for either of the possible situations. I am contacting Grigori... you or I need to get a hold of this Sanctity drug to give to Genovese. Obviously the interrogation techniques being used have not yielded any useful information. I need to know more about her relationship with Ozerov in order to go deeper here.

Konrad, meanwhile appears as maniacally happy as ever. He is enjoying the story floating around the office about the 'man from Interpol posing as a chemical salesman'. In the halls when he is around other people he laughs at the 'simple man with the bird fetish who has been reading too many spy novels'. "Interpol! How classic, I am surprised he didn't tell me his name was Bond, James Bond!!" His coke-addicted associates laugh obediently and wouldn't really care one way or the other as long as their supplier was in working condition. Konrad surrounds himself with people who are chemically, or otherwise dependent on him to maintain their perceived level of sanity. This also can be useful information. It makes me wonder even more about Ozerov's zombie-like demeanor. Is it induced or just a wise act in order to remain close to Konrad.

The way Konrad is talking so lightly about you, it would be simple to guess that he did not at all take your confession about Ozerov seriously that night. It is the only thing a sober, desperate man could have threatened while strapped to a dentist chair, and about to be injected with an unknown substance... Apparantly once the Sanctity kicked in you no longer talked about Ozerov... you only spoke of the Little Bird. (So as much as I love to hear you utter my name, in this case I am happy you also enjoy our little aliases.)

Konrad and Ozerov have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I need to be there. I don't know if I am invited, but I need to be there.

So rest, my love and I am sorry I only have more questions than answers...
All My Love,
Nikita

Dinner with Konrad

Nikita,

Phew.

I'm getting my head back together now, finally - three days of melting walls, voices, gods speaking to me, crying like a baby in a fetal position on the  bathroom floor, hysterical laughter for hours on end - my muscles ache - my sides hurt from laughing and throwing up - there's so many fuzzy details, so many that are too painfully clear - It started out innocently enough (but of course it's Konrad, so the pretense of innocence is fundamentally wrong anyway...yes, I digress) We met at Konrad's castle Last Saturday night - me and 7 other guests were invited for what I was told would be a very special evening/dinner with Konrad and friends - His place is an 18th century castle that was bombed out during world war 2 -it has been partially rebuilt in the old style, and then parts of rooms are super modern - large curved panels made of  brushed titanium and vanadium  meet with custom glass block or rusty steel to create some of the most amazing architecture I've ever seen - It's like super high tech lab meets architectural digest meets a romanticized medieval castle. Gorgeous rugs cover the stone floors and the walls were covered with artwork that most likely hung in the castles of the Russian Czars before the revolution. 

Dinner was incredible - We were all seated at a long oak table, probably several centuries old, and the drinks and food kept coming. Stories of Konrad's checkered past (yes, even more checkered than now) were the common theme of the evening - at some point, the talk moved to drugs and the consumption of them, and soon thereafter, the trays of food were replaced with trays of Konrad's own synthetic cocaine and speed. Several of the guests were quite pleased at the turn of events - It was apparent that a few had showed up for this part of the evening only, and had been politely waiting for the real festivities to begin - I know why they call some people 'fiends' when describing drug usage - some people can't help themselves, and start to lose all control of their social etiquette -  they get greedy and crazed - selfish - they can only think of  the next line and get very weird and paranoid about everyone else around - suspicions and irrational behavior compound one another until a seemingly benign cocktail party and dinner become a crazed drug fest...

So... I politely refuse to partake of the drugs the first six or so times I am asked, and one of the couples there starts in on me - asking why I refuse this great man's hospitality, wondering aloud why I was invited if I'm not into getting high with everyone else, and I'm beginning to get a bad feeling about where this evening is going - of course it would be simple enough to join them in their debauchery, but instead I decide to try and figure out if Konrad is up to something else by inviting me here. Even the best made plans sometimes go awry...

You know how you can be in a large group of people and several conversations are going on, and then everybody stops talking at once but words keep coming out of your mouth and everybody hears them? Well, just to mess with the couple who kept insisting that I snort some coke with them, I jokingly claimed to be from Interpol - It was a total tongue in cheek moment to me, but everyone had just stopped talking and all they heard me say was Interpol - the room turned from a lively din to a dead silence - paranoid people high on coke now think I am there to arrest them and put an end to the party - I can see the rage and confusion building in their eyes - Konrad broke the silence with one word.... "sanctity." Heads shook in agreement - It was as if they all had an evil smirk overtake their faces in unison - they knew something I didn't, and I tried to ease the situation back to normalcy by saying it was all a misunderstanding, that I didn't do coke anymore after my septum rotted away in the 90's from too much coke back then, but my story fell on deaf ears  - I was the outsider, and the group had to preserve itself from the threat of me - Konrad said, " We'll all move to the entertainment room now, there's something I want you all to see". I was relieved at my host's attempt to calm the situation down, but I was still wondering in the back of my mind what code word 'sanctity' meant...

The group moved from the dining room into the grand hallway, and then walked toward a large set of carved wooden doors. Konrad walked with me, holding his arm around my waist, and was telling me he knew there was a misunderstanding, but all of the other guests were his longtime friends, and he didn't want the situation to get out of hand with all the paranoia, so it was best we try and distract them all from the Interpol joke by checking out his new state of the art entertainment system. 

I fully expected to see a top of the line home movie system as we passed through the doors into the "entertainment room", but the room was quite plain and sterile. There was no furniture, except for over in one corner of the quite large room, there was a semicircle of chairs surrounding a dental chair. I felt a small prick on my neck and looked up to see Konrad's face  - he was wearing quite the mischievous grin as my head began to swirl and the corners of my eyes went dark. 

I don't think it was long before I came to - the whole group was laughing,  the trays of coke were back, and everyone was going about their partying while I was busy trying to free my bound hands and feet. I was strapped to the dental chair. 

I surprised everyone when I bellowed, "What the fuck are you doing?" They laughed at me and basically  pretended I wasn't even there - I made the usual assessment (per the manual) for situations like these, and my options were very limited - of course I could have swallowed my tongue, but that seemed quite drastic for the time being. Konrad was not in the room, so I guessed that nothing was going to happen until he returned anyway. I tried to make light  conversation with the friends, but they all pretended not to hear me - The next thing out of my mouth was, "let me out of this chair, or I will fucking kill all of you." That did raise some eyebrows, and one of the men there remarked,  "A businessman who sells industrial chemicals wouldn't address anyone in that manner, even if he was strapped to a dental chair. You must be Interpol."  "And you will all be very dead if I am," I said, and I think they may have begun to halfway believe me by this point, but our conversation ended when Konrad entered the room and proclaimed, " the Sanctity is here!" 

Konrad approached me and revealed a small syringe about half full of a slightly amber liquid. It sucks to panic while you are unable to run away. Konrad saw the fear in my eyes, and reassured me -  " You will feel no pain, only pleasure, and your senses will be overwhelmed with love and kindness for your fellow man - You will see reality as you have never seen it before, and you will be unable to lie or feign your true feelings and thoughts - you've heard of ecstacy, right?" 

I nodded. "This is better and doesn't fry your brain like that stuff - it's  little cocktail I've had my boys in the lab cook up for special occasions such as this - we've all done this together, and we came up with the name "sanctity" to describe the feeling of overwhelming peace it gave us - it was truly a mystical experience - we have no secrets between us, and we love and accept one another , despite all of our human frailties."   

"Why am I strapped to this chair if this drug makes you feel so kindly toward your fellow man?" I asked.  Konrad spoke very matter of factly - "because many things have happened since we have been spending time together, and it may be just a coincidence, but a man of my power and position has to cover his ass, and I can no longer take you at your word - I've disposed of many men and women who tried to get close to me to further their own goals. If anyone ever threatens my empire, or tries to take me down, bad things will happen to them and to the world. My plans will not be spoiled by a chemical salesman from Kursk or whatever you are - Sanctity will answer all of our questions - if you are telling the truth,  you will live as a profoundly changed man -  if you are lying to me, I will show you no mercy."

My voice betrayed me by breaking just a little as I asked Konrad, "Aren't there better ways to determine if I am telling you the truth than sending me on a trip with some  crazy new designer drug?" Konrad's eyes lit up. " Yes, but this has to be the most satisfying way I know to discern truth from lies - I will derive much pleasure watching the expression on your face as I inject you..." I strained at the straps, and Konrad chuckled - "your squirming says you have something to hide" I replied, "My squirming comes from the absolute absurdity of this situation - I don't care to snort any more coke in my life, and suddenly 7 people I have never met, harmed, or otherwise wronged want me to trip my brains out against my will - let me out of this chair and we'll talk like civilized people. " 

You have a point," Konrad said. "I can imagine I would be terrified if I didn't know what was going to happen when somebody involuntarily injected me with drugs - which arm do you prefer?"  

"I prefer you stop before you make a mistake that cannot be undone."   

"That sounds like a threat."   

"It is."  

"What are you hiding Sergio?" 

"Remove these straps."   

"I can't do that."  

"You must - it concerns Ozerov."   

"Ozerov?  What has that pathological liar told you?"   

"Undo these straps, let's talk about it."   

" You're in no position to bargain, Sergio - You'll tell me the truth the moment Sanctity enters your vein - it's like a white light goes off in your head, and God himself is sitting next to you, counseling you, teaching you the secrets it takes most mystics lifetimes to learn - all will be clear, and you will tell me everything I ask - You'll even understand why I need to kill you if I find you've been lying to me, and you'll gladly forgive me as I cut your heart out with a power saw - Let's start now..."  

"Ozerov told me all about Celtox and his plans to sell the formula to another entity - He wants me to join with him and remove you from the picture - He claims you are the one who is mad, and I have to agree with him at this exact moment -  I was going to discuss the matter with you later this very evening before things got so out of hand - Let me out of these fucking straps now - I was smart enough to leave instructions with a trusted friend that will expose your illegal empire if I somehow disappear this evening."

"Well played Sergio - You're not a chemical salesman are you?" 

"Look Konrad - We can both ruin one another quite easily at this juncture - let me out of this chair and we'll figure out a way to solve our mutual problems, and maybe, just maybe, we will be the best of friends and business partners when all is said and done." 

The coke party had ceased to be a laughing matter by this point - all the other guests were silent and looking at one another, trying to guess where the situation was headed - they all knew Konrad was a killer, and were amazed I wasn't dead or tripping my brains out by now.

Konrad thought a few seconds before proclaiming that the party was over and the guests all had to leave. The couple who originally mixed it up with me and caused this whole situation protested, and insisted everyone should do sanctity together and heal this uncomfortable situation - Konrad's face grew cold and his voice had a serious timber I had never heard before - "The party is over - get the fuck out of here now - don't call me, I'll call you when this situation has been dealt with."

Everyone took their leave, and it was Konrad and me alone - I was still in the chair, and Konrad pulled a chair right up next to me, sat down, and leaned in. "Now - Where were we?"

"You were letting me out of this chair so we can talk about our common problem, Ozerov."

"I think you need to stay in the chair, Sergio."

"Here's the deal Konrad - If I don't return to my apartment this evening, tomorrow morning a packet will be delivered to national and international agencies that deal with rogue scientists - it will contain everything Ozerov told me, and is more than enough to have you under a microscope - I'm sure a diversified businessman like yourself doesn't need any more scrutiny than you already have, especially from regulators and dare I say, Interpol?"

"Sergio, you will make a formidable opponent. I will enjoy playing this game with you and killing you when I am done making your life a living hell. What was the name of that little bird whore I raped? She told me she 'belonged" to you - I'm betting a man such as yourself is probably not so concerned with his own safety, but a certain weakness infects your type - a weakness for women, especially gorgeous little whores like her - am I right? Is this who has the packet of information Ozerov gave you? You've bet your life on the reliability and honesty of a whore?" I'll send my driver to get her tonight - you think a fine piece of ass like that will get away from me so easily? I've had her followed,  and know what you two are up to."

I was able to keep from showing any emotion, but I was exploding inside -  Konrad knew my one weakness - and he raped you?  I could not bear the thought. And I wasn't sure to believe him or not about knowing where you were, but it was a possibility, and I had to play about the last card I had - Konrad must not get to you.

"Give me the Sanctity Konrad" 

"Either you are trying to protect your little whore, or you think you can gain some favor by agreeing with me now?"

"I've told you the truth, and you still refuse to believe me. I can lay here high on sanctity while you find out what I have already told you to be true - It's a risk I am willing to take, because you need me - Ozerov has the means to take you down, and you need me to help you cleanse the breach in your lab. I would be most grateful if you allow me freedom during my experience with sanctity - are you going to take some too?"

"Unfortunately, you have made it impossible for me to enjoy the full experience sanctity offers - it takes almost three days for the trip to end, and I have some serious damage control to institute immediately at the lab. I will let you free after I have injected you. You will be harmless to all creatures at that point anyway."

There was a knock at the door, and Konrad got up to answer - Two of the couples had come back for more coke, as they were beginning to come down - Konrad was calmed down somewhat by this point and took mercy on them - he told them to wait in the room while he went for more supplies - I pretended to be completely high on sanctity already and was telling the couples how much I loved them and how shiny they were and how Konrad and I were having such close moments and where was he, and could they just hold me and hug me, I needed to be hugged, and let me go so I could touch them and feel the love inside of them and the short stocky woman came right over and undid the clasps on my hands before Konrad walked back into the room - "What the fuck are you doing!" he yelled - I already had one leg undone, and the other was almost there, and Konrad was running at me, screaming  - the tray with the syringe was between us, and I only had to knock it over to give myself enough time to get my other leg undone - Konrad was scrambling onto the floor to grab the syringe, and I was getting out of the chair and grabbing the first thing I could find to defend myself from Konrad and the two other guys - the ladies backed away, and then it was like I was a lion tamer - I had a chair, and the two guys were only half committed to getting into a physical situation with me, and Konrad was barking orders at them, actually doing me a favor, as they were getting more freaked out by  the minute because he was so angry with them, and they basically looked at me, and then Konrad, and then each other, and they just grabbed Konrad's extra coke and ran out the door. 

Konrad backed off, and sat down in a chair - I remained standing with a chair and about twenty feet between us. I saw him take the syringe and stick it in his arm - he pumped half of the liquid into his vein, and slowly looked up at me - he had such a drastically different look on his face - one of kindness and almost childlike joy  - He began to spill his guts about how he had been wrong about me, and that he was sorry for thinking I was some sort of impostor, and he apologized for being such a terrible host, and he was alternately crying and sighing between the biggest smiles I have ever seen on a grown man - He went on about needing a true friend, and that he was hoping to find that in me, and could I please join him in this space and achieve enlightenment, and I was just dumbfounded at how sincere and real and genuine he seemed at that moment. 

 I relaxed my grip on the chair and sat it down on the floor, still a good distance from Konrad.

I didn't know what to say, and was at a loss as to how to move forward from this turn of events - I began to speak, and thanked Konrad for allowing me to get out of the dental chair, for not killing me, for not drugging me sooner - he laughed hysterically at the thought of himself wanting to kill me - "How could I possibly kill another human being? How? How? I love you man! You're the best friend I ever had - we'll get through all of this!"  I told him I would be taking my leave, and that things were fine between us, and no hard feelings, and I would see him in a few days at our next sales meeting, and bid him farewell. He was sitting there with his head back, looking up at the ceiling, muttering something unintelligible, so I turned and walked toward the door - I felt another sting, this time in my love handle, and knew immediately he had thrown the syringe at me - bastard was a great shot, as the thing hit me and stuck into my left side love handle - not that there's a huge one there or anything like that, but I was hit, and  just a little bit of sanctity worked its way into my muscles.

I broke into a jog, and my mind was starting to race - how long before this stuff incapacitates me - does it have to be intravenous, or does it work in muscles too - how much is enough to make a person high? Whoa, it's beginning to work / it's beginning to make me high/ I'm beginning to see white lights / I am running in slow motion /  I'm out the front door /  wow, look a the sky tonight  /  I have to stop and look at that  /  I've never seen so many stars  / where's my car?  / Konrad's not that bad of a guy after all /  where is Nikita? /  I have to find her /  I love her /                / floating /  I want to lay with her and hold her and tell her how I am feeling / My car door feels like rubber  / my hands don't work / I wish they did /             /   I'd pretend they were Nikita / I have to drive / Where am I?/Who am I?/               / Who are you?

you

you

ahhhh

you.

 

Hidden Truths

Sergio,
It is just like you... to be able to be in the middle of our most dangerous and delicate mission, and still you can focus on the mingling of our energies instead of the webs of our deceptions.

I suppose you are right, perhaps I do have more to share with you that is unspoken, but years of practice in hiding the truth has made it inaccessible, even to me. Perhaps that is why i have always craved the covers where I must disguise myself so extremely... it helps me feel sure of, at least, who I am not. I am not the woman in the fat suit, and you are right again... I am sure I never will be. It is when the suit is off that I am not so confident. Perhaps the secrets you are sensing are the secrets I am keeping from myself. Those conflicts within create a dissonance in me that a man like you (so expert in reading the nuances of truth and lies) can certainly feel.

When I am with you I feel that dissonance smooth out, like saxophone players tuning to the same note.... It feels good and that is why I find myself taking risks... those 'non-regulation moves' as you describe them... in order to be near you. I dream that in the quiet of this peace I will hear the secrets my heart wants to tell us.

On another note, I believe things are going well with Ozerov. I do my best to not be totally alone with him just yet, in case he tries to speak to me as Genovese. As Ingrid I can afford to make small errors and it makes sense... new girl in the office... and over time I will know everything anyway. Konrad has been to his office and seems to enjoy Ozerov, he jokes with him and slaps him on the back and gives him strange, knowing looks. It seems the idea that Ozerov could have killed his personal assistant is something that bonds them. If this really was Ozerov's plan, it proves that he does indeed know Konrad very well, and that he is perceptive to people. Just a warning to be careful. Ozerov may be willing to help bring Konrad down, but I don't think that means he is unwilling to bring anyone down.

You mentioned you have an appointment to see him this week, but he has not told me about it, so i am not fully in his confidence yet.

Be careful my sweet,
Nikita

The Pretzel

Nikita,

Your existential musings amuse me. I'm sure you'll stick with the fat suit - Your eating binge will end the first time you feel your body begin to jiggle in strange new places ( remember me telling you your breasts jiggle perfectly last time we 'met'? I wasn't referring to them - )  Perhaps you've set another of your femme fatale 'traps' for me to fall into - You want me to say whether I will still love you when you're fat, and I'm not even going to attempt answering such a loaded query. Let's just leave it with you knowing I'm halfway shallow and deep within I prefer your ripped and ready body. Especially since I'm looking at it right now, snuggled next to me on my couch. It was such a turn on when you came through my fire escape window earlier this evening. Once again you have touched me deeply with your non-regulation moves. Were you in the circus? That pretzel thing you did still takes my breath away. Really, I'm still having a hard time breathing - but damn... MMMMMMMMMMMM. On a more serious note, sometimes when you are looking deep into my eyes, I get the feeling you want to say so much more to me than you do - know your secrets, professional or personal, are safe with me.

S

human mouse trap

sergio,
It is these situations where we must be at our best. This will be a delicate operation for sure.
I have my new assignment and cover. Grigori has given managed to give me an assignment inside Konrad's Laboratory as Ozerov's new personal secretary, Ingrid. His former secretary was Genovese... Ozerov's 'official Celtox' story is that he sensed that Konrad didn't trust Genovese and feared he would kill her, so he told Konrad he had done the deed himself. In reality, Ozerov sent her to get plastic surgery in order to totally change her appearance and identity. Now, whether this was to placate Konrad and get on his good side, while still being able to keep on his existing secretary and better carry out his desertion from Konrad... or whether Ozerov did it as a bizarre threat to Genovese, still remains to be known... What a cruel torture that would be... to be made to 'disappear' and then to be still here... in another person's face, body, name......witnessing meeting people you knew and loved look you in the eye and not know you. To watch people grieve over your past self which is really your true self but not really because now you are truly someone else... which brings up all kinds of questions of existence and 'who am I?' and such.

But the important point is that now I am 'Ingrid'. The real Ingrid, (who is... was... no is Genovese) was intercepted on the operating table and is being 'held' by our organization and is being 'persuaded' to divulge information. She is being held in a room with no mirrors so she doesn't even know if she looks like she remembers or not... with the drugs they are giving her and the brainwashing, she should be sufficiently fucked up for the rest of her life .... and will likely feel the frequent desire to say: "Gosh, I just don't feel myself today".

Ozerov will think I am Genovese, now in the identity of Ingrid. From this position I should be able to get a lot of information on both Ozerov and Konrad and understand better their relationship. Of course since Konrad has seen me once, I myself am in deep disguise. I have to wear a 'fat suit' until I naturally gain the required 75 pounds, I have cut my hair short, dyed it black and am wearing green contact lenses. I have fake bushy eyebrows and have stopped shaving under my arms. I am not entirely thrilled about this. Except perhaps for the part where I am getting paid to eat cookies.

I cannot help but wonder what you would think of me if you could see me now. Could you see through the layers? I am sure we will see each other on this mission if you are contacting Ozerov. I don't know what worries me more: that we will give ourselves away by our unmistakable energetic connection... or that you will look at me with horror when you see the beast that I am disguised as. Now, my love I must go... my bread pudding is almost ready and I think there is a small mammal stuck in my armpit hair.
nikita

Celtox

Nikita,

I had codeworks look over the anonymous papers with the chemical equations - apparently the whole thing was an encoded message from a scientist who works for Konrad named Anatoly Ozerov. He is an expert on Celtox37 and claims to be having a crisis of conscience. That was reason enough to meet him for tea, even though I'm not sure how he found out about my 'work'.  We met this afternoon at a small eatery near my now 'most favorite park in the world'. I have a few burns of my own to commemorate our magical evening there. I had no idea your porcelain skin would be so susceptible to splinters. I am sorry. Maybe.

After the usual social formalities, Ozerov went into a sketchy but adequate enough story of how he knew to contact me about Celtox. He knew I had been spending a lot of time with Konrad and his posse, and wanted to personally warn me of the danger the man poses to myself and the world at large.

It turns out that Konrad is as notorious in the world of scientists as he is in the red light district. He is feared by his professional peers as well as his enemies. Known for silencing anyone (using all sorts of unsavory methods) that doesn't share his 'vision' of how the world works, he has managed to build quite an empire among the new order of organized crime groups in eastern europe. Synthetic cocaine and amphetamines coming out of his labs have made him millions, and his excesses have grown proportionately with his bank account. He has managed to stay out of jail through payoffs and favors - many unsolved murders in the red light district are rumored to be his handiwork, and anyone that threatens his livelihood seems to meet with some sort of untimely demise.

Ozerov  went into a lengthy explanation of his involvement in the creation of the new supertoxin named Celtox37. Advances in DNA mapping have made it possible to create toxins that are only lethal to people with certain DNA characteristics. Instead of trying to save the world from Cancer or other horrible diseases, Konrad has led the research into killing people based on their genetic makeup. It's more complex than I can explain in an e-mail, but you get the idea. Genetically engineered weapons of mass destruction  - a weapon with humans as the only casualty - no radioactive fallout or uninhabitable areas. No infrastructure damage. An easily transportable, seemingly benign clear liquid that is lethal to targeted individuals in minute amounts. God help us. 

The ability to target just one person is of special interest to Konrad  - Ozerov's team has been working on this aspect of the toxin for a few years, and is nearing completion of a simple field modification to the toxin. An assassin only needs a DNA sample from the intended victim - hair or  saliva will suffice - the sample is dissolved in a catalyst that creates a genetically specific lethal mix of celtox - it is clear and odorless, so it can be mixed into a drink easily, and will only kill the intended victim. (or immediate family members, it's not perfect yet) Here's the 'beauty' of Celtox - it is completely untraceable - victims die of natural causes, and there is no way to detect its presence in a person's system. The perfect murder weapon.  

Now, Konrad is not so foolish as to create a toxin of this sort without a few antidotes - to keep Ozerov from holding too many cards, Konrad has an antidote created by another one of his chemist teams that Ozerov is forbidden to communicate with.  It's easy enough to consider just taking Konrad out of the game tomorrow, old school. Sniper fire would be an efficient way for him to die... well, maybe too honorable... but he has all sorts of plans in place to unleash 1918 influenza if he is a victim of foul play - so, as much as I want the man dead for several reasons now (especially for touching you) it is fortunate for us that you weren't able to finish the job the other night. 

After writing all of this down, my head is beginning to unwind some - I was so taken by the possibility of such a weapon, that I ignored something very out of place - I'm not sure if Konrad has sent Ozerov - it is almost too convenient for all of this information to fall into my lap so easily - it may be that Konrad has made us both, or it may be true that Ozerov is having a moral crisis - either way, know that our time together has given me an inner peace  - I know love now. If we get into a situation where one of us is being used against the other, follow the handbook exactly. It may be a gamble with our lives, but following the protocol is the only way we can both know how one another will react in a crisis situation. 

S

Tickle and Sting

Sergio,

This will be short, as I am traveling to meet Grigori to receive my new cover. I am relieved as my only reason for asking for assignment to the brothel was to live out my fantasy of making love to you while being 'on the clock'... it certainly adds to the perks of the job! and of course there were all those expensive toys in the brothel, but your sexual pyrotechnics in the park made up for that. The small dots of red on my legs from the sparklers make me smile when I see them, remembering how they made me laugh and scream...as they tickled and stung... things I will become used to expecting with you. The splinters from the bottle rockets will take longer to heal.

Sergio, be careful... I investigated the address on that package... and it doesn't exist. If you walk that street and try to find it you will end up looking around and walking up and down between the same three doorways... where the address should be... much like - dare I say... a duck in a shooting gallery. I see Grigori coming, so I must go for now.. he is holding a briefcase that surely will have my new assignment... now I can see it better... it carries the logo of Konrad's laboratory.

I seal this with a kiss

N

Remember

I meant every word I whispered or yelled into your ears last night Nikita. When we were sitting there under the stars with your legs wrapped around me , undulating like chanting monks, I felt so open and close and safe. And in the next moment, I felt as if I could devour you in a frenzy of lust and sexual pyrotechnics. And so I did. At times I wasn't sure where I ended and you began - it seemed as if our souls were freely moving between our bodies. I feel alive in every fiber of my being today - the city is more beautiful, the colors more vibrant... I am smiling... I haven't allowed myself the luxury of loving a person in a long time Nikita - In our line of work, it's always best to remain unattached, detached, distant...Sex has always meant an exchange, a contact, a way to get something from somebody else - a taking of something that is to be used for another purpose - I had forgotten just how beautiful (practically spiritual) it is to connect with another person so deeply. Remember me as I was last night Nikita. It's the closest thing to my true being you may ever see. 

I've been in Minsk for less than a month and we have already created several messes that need attention. As much as I wish you had deveined Konrad, he is for now, integral to my work here - You know how well I am able to serve up a very cold revenge. I don't forget transgressions easily, especially when they involve you. Your continued employment at the brothel is not going to work, professionally or personally.  Grigori will reassign you under a different cover. There is another lab we need to infiltrate, so arrangements are being made. 

You mentioned Drobwa Avenue a few weeks ago - I can't remember in what context, but the name sounded familiar - I received a plain package from an address on that street today. Inside were several pages of complex chemical formulations. It's necessary for me to get to the bottom of this new development quickly, so I may be off the grid for a few days. 

Or not. If I can't see you, I'm compelled to stay as close to you as I can with words.

S

My Hero

Sergio,

I can barely express what I am feeling. Last night was going to be the worst night of my life and it ended as the best one... me in your arms... my heart swelling and my mind full of the realization that you are indeed my hero.

I have seen you kill a man with such cold decisiveness... how is it that excites me? to be so close to you... to bare my throat to a human who I have witnessed draw a blade across such a place and yet I welcome your sharp teeth as if the possibility of you taking my life would bring  us only that much closer together... my dream. Maybe you feel the same thrill and was why you insisted on leaving my knife strapped to my leg in my garter while we made love under the stars. You too have seen what I can do to a man. You never mentioned the blood under my fingernails... blood that you would be pleased to learn from whose flesh it came... except things are never that simple are they?

You didn't ask me and i didn't tell you some details about last night but perhaps you need to know:  Konrad came to the brothel, we went into the back and I stalled as long as I could but soon I was naked and he was... exposed... and approaching me. I will spare you the details... he was laughing and spitting on me. He started to enter me and and I could not bear it. I decided right there to kill him. I looked him in the eye, then leaned in as if to kiss his throat... I found the jugular with my lips... said to him: 'my body is only for Sergio' and plunged in for my death bite. But in that moment he startled and pulled back. I only made the equivalent of a large hickey... his cell phone had vibrated and he sat back to see the message...it was someone telling him about the damage to his building... you, my darling, saved my dignity...but also saved Konrad's life. 

He flipped his cell phone closed and I thought all was ok, but he leaned in, held me down, and told me he would 'see about Sergio and what he will share'. I pushed him back and not without digging my fingernails into his arm as he released me.

It was then that I ran to the park to be with you... my sweet... my hero... do you realize what you do by getting involved with me?

Don't trust the dealer...

There's nothing like a major security breach at a high tech lab facility to get people's attention. Especially Konrad's - I knew the only way to divert his attention from his most base desires was to create a diversion at  his lab. I'm quite impressed with my handiwork. I'd managed to befriend one of the lab's guards - he was with Konrad and I and a few others on one of our crazy nights on the town last week. Turns out his penchant for cocaine was an easy weakness to exploit. I called him the minute I got your message and told him I had located some very pure product, and he (very predictably) practically begged me to bring him some at the lab. He was on gate duty and wanted a distraction from the boredom. Under the guise of having a date tonight, I told him I'd drop by but couldn't stay to partake. I knew the cameras are always rolling, so I donned a wig and went as a long haired hippie type - leather jacket, glasses at night, fake beard, motor scooter - I think I looked like one of the guys in ZZ Top, but you probably don't know that reference. 

I'm a spy, not a writer, love. But I'm guessing this would be a good place to start a new paragraph. Perhaps in our later years, you can teach me how to make these thoughts coherent, and tell me the rules about making paragraphs...not!

So I made the drop to my friend, and my plan was in action. I made certain I was seen on the motor scooter by the security cameras, and then drove off around the block and ditched it in some bushes. I waited ten minutes and knew that by then, my guard friend would be dead. You can never trust drug dealers, especially in Minsk. Especially when the dealer is me.

On short notice, it's hard to make an especially damaging bomb out of a stolen vehicle, but with enough gasoline and the proper igniters, even a Renault Kangaroo can do some damage. Hey, it was the easiest car to steal - not the most glamorous but how often do our lives really come across like spy movies? I'm getting off subject. I approached the gate, quickly hopped out and without the help of my dead guard friend, buzzed myself in. I also borrowed his remote gate opener, as I didn't think he'd be needing it anymore. I couldn't help but notice myself in the security camera monitor - I look good in a beard and glasses....

I drove the 200 meters to the building and stopped about 30 meters from the door. I decided to forego the typical spy movie spectacular explosion for two reasons - first, I didn't want to completely take out the lab, as Konrad needed a place to work and I still wasn't sure of everything going on at the lab, and second, because I didn't have time to get a container full of petrol and ignition materials safe enough for a gas bomb. A stray brick would suffice. I lined up the little red car square on with the doors, and placed the brick on the gas pedal, put it in gear and started running toward the gate. I looked back just as the car was smashing through the entranceway to the lab, and  saw the inside guard leaping out of harm's way just in time. My non-explosion was still quite spectacular - the all-glass and brushed chrome entryway was destroyed in a very loud  and satisfying crash - the engine was still whining at high speed as the rest of the noise dissipated. 

Then there was yelling, then an alarm, then security lights, then dogs barking, then oh shit, I still have fifty meters to the gate, then another two hundred once I'm outside of that, and I haven't run this fast since preparatory school and I've been drinking too much lately and I feel sluggish and it's like I'm running in slow motion, and all that cheesecake is catching up with me, and how fast can those dogs run, and how far away are they, and maybe I better use this gate opener now because maybe it is electric, and maybe I'd better borrow the dead guard's gun and taser too, because I can't outrun those dogs, and the other guards will be close behind with automatic weapons and they live for this kind of shit. Now I'm in the guard house shuffling through the dead man's clothes  - I find a can of mace and spare bullets - where is his gun? The mace will have to do - I press the remote to close the gate and sneak through as it is closing, and I think the dogs won't make it, but one pesky one slips through and is on my leg in a second, and I have the mace out and am spraying and the dog yelps but won't let go and the stuff is burning my leg and I'm hoping the dog just rips through my pants and gives up because he is really slowing me down, and I know how you love all animals, so I'll spare you the other details, but I managed to get on the motor scooter and escape before being shot dead or mauled by the dog. 

Fifteen minutes later, the lab is in full alert mode as I pull over on a hilltop overlooking that part of town  - Lights, sirens, and there's Konrad's car, pulling up to the scene. I smile and hop back on the scooter to see if you're going to show up at the park. 

S

Don't make me give Konrad the bird

Sergio, Help me! I was preparing to meet you at sunset when I got a call from the head madame at the brother... Konrad has demanded a 'date' with 'the little bird' and he got the pronunciation just right... you must help me...I cannot play this charade with him... not when I know you are so near and are waiting for me. 

Sergio, you are sounding more like your confident self. I feel so close to you. I fear I may do something I will regret and will jeopardize the mission... but if I follow through on this I will jeopardize my heart's mission.

Help me,

Nikita

I did it again?

Oops. Russian never was my forte. I'd feel foolish if I wasn't so beside myself at last night's utter disaster. To know you were there while I was fending off the perverted bird makes me sad beyond belief. I'd ask for a do-over at the brothel if I didn't think there may be repercussions from the incident last night. I've never been so conflicted about a person Nikita - I have to see you. I can't even begin to write all of the things I am feeling for you, us. I'm certain that when I look into your eyes and hold you close, I will know more than I can ever discern from a thousand of your words. And I apparently have a paragraph problem. But I'm comfortable with it. It suits me. It's how I think. One long stream of thoughts I have to choose from, and I'm proud it's coherent at all. I'm testy. I must see you, hold you, smell you. There's a park by the dam, and it's far away enough from the center of town that we will not be noticed. I'll be there an hour before sunset. I'll have a picnic basket with your favorite cheeses and wine. (and of course a loaded handgun too) There. Simple. If you don't make it tonight, I'll be there tomorrow too. And the next day. Until then,

S

The Wrong Bird, My Sweet

Sergio,
Sometimes I don't know how you survive.
I warned that the pronounciation should be precise. You must have said: извращенный цыпленок instead... which translates to 'perverted chicken'

My dear Sergio, you can be so smart, but when it comes to anything to do with me, your sense and savvy is all wrong... it is the same insanity that causes you to forget to use paragraphs when you write... your brain starts to have thoughts all strung together, and you give yourself no time breathe and to assess what is really happening.

All night, I was in that Brothel. I also asked to be reassigned to Minsk. Grigori and I thought it best that I stay close to protect you. We decided that as much as I am a distraction to you, I will cause your mind to wander more if we are farther away from each other.

I was undercover as 'Little Bird'... waiting for you... to protect you. I was prepared to do anything necessary to preserve your cover... anything. You must be careful Sergio, and pull yourself together, both of our careers and lives are on the line. No one else must find out that we make each other vulnerable.

Yes, I remember our beautiful beginning. Simple, exciting... what must we do to return to that?

Birdland

If I've had a stranger night, Nikita, I can't recall when. I took your advice and ended up at the Red Whore with Konrad after a long night of drinking. In my best Russian accent, I loudly pronounced that "I want the 'little bird', and my comrade Konrad will have your best sexually deviant role player". The madame of the house actually raised an eyebrow, but I assumed it was due to the request for Konrad. The madame disappeared into the back rooms through a bead covered doorway, and we made ourselves comfortable in the small waiting area until our entertainment arrived. The first woman to appear from the back was a small, extremely hot redhead with alabaster skin and piercing blue eyes - eyes that gave you the feeling they had seen many unspeakable things, and weren't really bothered by it. She looked the part of "Little Bird," and I have to admit I was just a little let down when she looked at both of us and said, "Konrad"? His face lit up and we were making that face men make in situations like this - the face that says, "DAMN! She's totally hot, and I can't believe my luck!" Yes, we think that, even when we are paying for it...Konrad high fives me as he disappears behind the beads with his entertainment for the evening.  I wait another five minutes or so, and begin to wonder if  I've been forgotten. A strange sound began to emanate from the back, and after a few seconds, I realized it was someone imitating a chicken, but very badly. The clucks and whines came closer, but I still can't see anybody and I'm beginning to get a little creeped out - I see feathers behind the beads - obviously, this little bird really likes to play the part - I don't know how to politely say the next thing I saw, so here goes - a very large, no, huge (150+ kilos) woman in a full chicken outfit, complete with wings and beak and bird feet appears behind the beads - she is making bird sounds, strutting around like a chicken, pecking at the beads, having a bird conversation with herself, and she makes her way over to me in this weird circuitous path - she pecks at the furniture between us as if she is sampling her environment, sizing me up as part of her next meal, I don't know - my better judgement was too confused and hypnotized by this one woman freak show to exit the brothel. I  watched in horror as she approached me, looked me in the eyes, pecked my earlobe, then abruptly turned around and ruffled her ass feathers in my face. EEW! She continued her grotesque walk toward the back rooms and beckoned me to follow with her beak - keep in mind she still hasn't spoken a word other than chicken sounds -  For the life of me, I can't imagine going anywhere private with this abomination, and my head is swirling, wondering if it is some elaborate cover for one of our agents (I'm pretty sure this time it's not you) and perhaps when we go into the room, she will drop the disguise and speak to me like a normal person - I have no idea what to do - yes, for the first time in my career as a spy, I am at a loss for what to do next - so, per the manual, I follow through - we go down a long hallway with lots of doors and turns, lots of smells and noises I'm not sure I want to know the origin of, and we come to the end of a hallway - chicken wire surrounds the door, and one incubator-like light shines dimly overhead. Nikita - WTF have you gotten me into? The "little bird" opens the door ahead of me. (and I am  basically in shock at this point) A human sized bird nest has been crafted in the middle of the large room, complete with sticks and cotton and a large round futon in the middle - around the edges of the area are various devices that I am guessing can be used to hang a chicken upside down, restrain a chicken in many various positions, and a noose-like apparatus that I can only guess is for those who like to choke their chicken.  A huge bowl of jelly beans is on another table but I'm not hungry - the bird uses her wing to flip open a valve located on the wall - a slight hissing sound ensues, and I quickly begin to feel light headed - she begins to do some sort of "mating" dance - clucking and chucking, and I am beginning to find all of this very entertaining - within a few more seconds, I am howling, laughing to the point of tears, and find myself joining in this dance ritual- I begin to make bird sounds of my own, more rooster like of course, and the laughing gas is really beginning to kick in now - she makes her way over to the jelly beans, scoops up a mouthful, half chews them, and spits them at me, expecting me to catch them in my mouth - The batshit crazy scene I am part of  has me laughing to the point of tears, and I am surprised when the bird gets very upset that I won't let her regurgitate jelly beans into my mouth and charges at me, full speed - she knocks me backward into the nest, landing on top of me, and has me trapped due to her extreme weight - I am panicking, but the bird becomes very calm and focused - I am pinned between her prosthetic chicken feet, and she starts to hump me, and I am laughing, yet terrified, but I don't care, but I have to escape, but chickens don't hump, but this is no ordinary chicken, and suddenly the wings are coming off, and she is squeezing my nipples, cackling like a hen in heat, and I think I may have passed out for a bit right at this point (or maybe I was in shock and had to block the whole thing out of my mind to remain sane) but then I came to, and she was repositioning herself in a way that would have smothered me had I not been able to grab a large stick from the bird nest and give her a very painful poke in her egg chute - she rolled to one side and began to moan like an injured human - there, back in territory I am familiar with - at least the injured bird's moan let me know the immediate danger had passed, but I am still in some life-sized chicken 'processing' room in the back of a brothel, and since I came here upon your instruction, and since you must somehow know this strange bird, I leave a few hundred euros by the jelly beans and take my leave. I decided Konrad could take care of himself, and walked the 6 kilometers back to my hotel room to clear my head. 

But my head has not cleared Nikita. I'm not sure if you were given bad information, or if you have played some  horrible game of vengeance with me - I thought we were on the path to healing our strained relations after your last letter, but this morning I am not so certain. Can anything be simple with you? I miss the times we shared before my lust overwhelmed me - Remember our drive up into the Carpathian mountains?   It was so simple and close and good - The picnic by the mountain lake, the wine and cheese, our first kiss....The way we wanted the drive to last forever? My hand was on your knee and kept sliding south. I miss those times Nikita. I'm confused, but my work keeps the demons away for now. I must make my next rendevous , so that is all for now. 

S