I hope you are able to keep your perspective with the drugs Ozerov gave you. Remember I love you. Be certain to exercise caution when reacting to circumstances around you, as paranoia can make unreal things seem more real than they are. I'm doing well here, but I am concerned for your safety, even though the world's safety depends on your making rational decisions in your irrational state. Hey, you remember the circus? I can't believe it!
I was certain they had 'rearranged' your mind so you would not remember your days in the circus and your horrible disfiguring accident at my hand. I thought I would never again be able to mention our days and nights traveling with the national circus, carousing with the sideshow freaks and witnessing disturbing acts between people and animals - things the internet can never properly convey, because you have to be there to understand the love that can exist between circus performers whether they be human or animal, or both.
My trip to Moscow has opened up a pandora's box of memories little bird. The smells of the circus never really leave one's memory - upon my arrival to the caravan, the first thing I noticed/remembered was the overpowering smell of animal urine, and I wondered how I wasn't offended by it when I was a performer - there's no escaping the lion spray and funky old elephant smell that permeates the big top - every rope, canvas, trailer, costume and bleacher seat begins to take on the funk of the animals - the sweat, the hot dogs, the popcorn grease, the cotton candy stickiness, and the peanuts seem to soak their way into the air around the event and create some other worldly place - a place where so many amazing feats of athleticism and animal trickery are performed - wowing crowd after crowd, town after town, year after year...
It was the happiest time of my life Nikita - to be sneaking off with you behind the tent at the end of the show, our impassioned trysts in the folds of the tent, always watchful for your father, as he would have both our heads if we were caught - we were so young and beautiful - our bodies so perfect and tight and smooth - there's no stopping nature, and around all of those horny circus animals... who could blame us for having our own private circus sideshows...
And then the accident...we were invincible and young, and you wanted me to show you things.. we were the darlings of every town the circus traveled to - fame and fortune were certain to shine upon us, and we pushed the envelope to make our show more spectacular every week - I begged you to use the net, but your confidence was so strong, and I foolishly expected you to keep focus, even though we had just gotten through driving one another to hazardous distraction out back of the tent moments before our routine....The fall devastated me inside as much as it disfigured your leg - I lost my confidence, and once that happens, a trapeze artist can no longer 'perform' in public - (This is not the time for innuendo jokes, but know I thought of a few at that last sentence...)
You were sent away for rehabilitation, but during the month you were away, you were 'reprogrammed' to forget all memories of the accident and me - upon your return, you were a changed person - I was relieved in one sense, as you didn't remember the accident, but your complete amnesia about me was hard to accept. I made a promise to myself that I would be a friend to you as your injuries kept you from being able to socialize. I brought you lunch and spent every spare minute with you, never letting on we had a connected past - I was overjoyed we were able to start a new relationship after thinking I had 'lost' you forever. Our attraction quickly blossomed, and before long we were falling in love. Grigori and your father made a decision we could not be together. It crushed me when you were sent away to Greece.
In my despondent state, I was approached by Grigori (whom I always thought was an odd type of person to own a circus) and he talked me into becoming a spy for our country. What a long strange trip it has been since then.
It is well known that circuses have a high percentage of social outcasts and genetic mutants - It is not well known that circuses are usually run by spies - such a simple and clever cover - the owner can move from town to town, making contacts that seem innocent enough - They visit old 'friends' and meet new ones over dinner and drinks - Shows are a great meeting place for undercover agents who have to keep their cover - they can meet in the crowds and talk at length with no chance for detection. blah,blah, you already know this...
My training advanced quickly, as I had no lover to distract me. I was schooled in the ways of the spy, from learning the impeccable manners of the social elite, to becoming lethal toward anyone who crossed me. Before long, I was passing along low level, non-critical information at the circus - over time, the information became more sensitive and my 'errands' riskier.
Within a year, I was a well trusted operative for Grigori. I missed you, but over time, my work took on a significance that made your memory more distant.
My first kill was accidental - well, not really an accident, but I wasn't planning on hurting anyone. I was in Oostburg, and was to meet a woman named Guinevere at an old working windmill. When she showed up, she was very flustered. (and beautiful) She was under the impression she had been followed - I climbed to the lookout window at the top of the windmill and didn't see anyone, so we exchanged the packages we had for one another. We made small talk for a few minutes, and my eyes kept drifting to the soft curve of her breasts below her blouse. Her wavy blond hair stopped just short of her nipples, and they were staring back at me - she called me on my wandering eyes, and I blushed in shame.
She moved a step closer to me and took my hands and said, "I'm not sure why, but I think I want to kiss you" ... I closed my eyes and smiled, and within a few seconds, she had pressed herself up against me - we began to make out there in the windmill - our clothes were well on their way off when the door burst open and an odd looking little man with a limp ambled into the windmill yelling for me to get my hands off his wife. I think he was as shocked as I was when he realized my hands weren't in near as compromising a place as hers were, and she wasn't letting go. Awkward...
Without missing a beat Guinevere yells "you little bastard - I told you to stop following me!" He runs to the near wall, grabs a pitchfork and begins to charge the two of us, yelling at the top of his lungs "DIE BITCH"! It was like he was in slow motion, and he had this gimpy gait, but he was picking up speed and I was wondering if we were going to be impaled together in eternity. Guinevere let go of me just before he reached us and jumped back, which left me in the path of the pitchfork. I was thinking 'thanks bitch', but I managed to avoid the tines and grab the handle, flinging the small man over toward the grinder wheel - his shirt got caught in the turning mechanism, and he could not free himself before the gears had picked him up and pulled him into the grinder - It's amazing how much grain one little man's blood can contaminate...
Turns out the little man was a crazy stalker from the pub Guinevere worked at, and was not her husband, boyfriend, friend, or even somebody she wanted around her. It was an unfortunate end, and we had to leave him for the farmers to clean up, as the information we had exchanged was not to be compromised...(at least not any more than it would have been had we not been interrupted...)
Ah, but that is all just one story from a past that happened so long ago Nikita - I wax poetic when I think of those times, and am curious why you now remember the accident - do you remember our love? The reprogramming they put you through is supposed to be permanent, but it excites me to think you may be able to remember our young love and the times we shared in the circus....
Getting back to the present, Marco has recovered from the bookstore incident a few months ago, and is doing his best to discover where you are now. He is said to want your head on a platter after the beating you gave him. The irony is that he is one of Konrad's down the line distributors, and may be unknowingly involved in the distribution of Sanctity, as It seems to be synthesized into the coke Konrad is distributing now. Are you able to keep your thoughts in order? How is Ozerov? Any ideas on how to get the antidote for celtox? You must find a way to get this information out of Konrad - how is his failsafe setup - who releases the flu if he is killed? who is in charge of that virus....
Hang in there NIkita - My thoughts are with you frequently now that I am near the circus again. Pretend we are on the high wire tonight, floating through the air, smiling...
S
Thursday, September 25
Monday, September 15
Gone, not dead.
Sergio,
Well, it has been a while. So much has happened and I am glad you are so far away. I needed all my focus. That side mission Grigori gave you came at such a perfect time. You may or may not know, but you have been killed. At least that is what Konrad thinks.
Ozerov was visibly shaken the morning he was supposed to have the meeting with you. This was so out of character for Ozerov, so I stayed very close to him that day to find out all I could. He was going in and out of his office, bumping into things, the way people do when they are besides themselves. I figured if I got into his way enough he might explode and tell me something. But he didn't, he would simply look into my eyes... there were a couple of times that I thought I even saw a glimmer of warmth, but then his gaze would steel over and he would go back to looking right through me again.
Then, I was in his office and noticed a piece of paper that hadn't quite made it into the shredder. I managed to get it and it was a note to Ozerov from Konrad that said only two words: 'Kill Sergio'. Why he had not been more careful with such an incriminating piece of evidence is worrisome, but for now I will just be grateful for the warning.
I knew Grigori was planning on sending you out to help with a mission in the Russian National Circus, and so I let him know to send you right away. I am sorry, my darling... We can not risk you getting killed, and there is too much that we don't know about all the drugs here. I would rather have you alive and sharing your expertise about the art of the trapeze with Russian mafia, than dead in an office in Minsk. Ah, I remember those days, Sergio... you in the tights and leotard with the... bulges I couldn't take my eyes off of.... your muscles and your... If only i could have paid better attention to where your hands were, I may not have missed them and fallen so hard. You were so sweet to retire from the trapeze after my injury, nursing me back to health and helping with the physical therapy to get my foot to point forward again. Those days under the big top with you were some of my favorites.... but I digress
I fianlly did manage to break Ozerov's concentration... with my fat suit it wasn't difficult to continue to get in his way, even when I wasn't trying. I was at my desk stretching my sleeveless arms up just as he was walking by holding a spiral notebook, and the spiral got caught in my armpit hair. Since I knew you were going out of town, I had taken to growing my own instead of using the glue on kind and it really hurt! There was a bit of a tussle while he tried to extricate the notebook and as I sat there clasping my stinging arm to my side he said: "Genovese, now more than ever you MUST NOT let Konrad know I have taken the Sanctity." Then he exclaimed half under his breath and half to me: "Damn it Sergio, why did you have to piss off Konrad? ....We were almost there."
So Genovese was indeed, in on something. We know Ozerov didn't kill her, but he definitely needs to keep her close, as Ingrid. He has never blown this cover until now. He has always been so careful. We also learn from this that he really did want to confide in you to bring Konrad down... and he doesn't want to kill you. But why would his taking Sanctity be something to keep from Konrad? I would have figured Konrad wanted everyone under his control with this dreamy mollifying drug. I have since learned the answer to that question too, but first let me continue.
If Ozerov didn't want to make you dead, I could at least make you gone... and maybe gone could be as good as dead. I would rather have you 'dead' in a Russian circus, than alive in an office in Minsk, getting killed...When you didn't show up at Ozerov's meeting, I created some 'evidence' that you were out of the country, fled.... I assured Ozerov that you would not be coming back for a while. Ozerov took that opportunity to create a story for Konrad that you had been killed and your body had been destroyed.
Now, for the Sanctity... First let me say that there is no antidote... only a blocker. Konrad keeps the blocker with him... and he has plenty of it, but I have not learned what form it is in... i don't know if it is a pill, vaporizor or liquid. This blocker needs to be taken before Sanctity is taken. I am not sure of all the details.... but I do know that Sanctity cannot be reversed... it's acute stage definitely subsides, you come down from the high, but the memory of the experience stays forever. The paradox is that it is actually a memory eraser, but of a very specific kind... It destroys all memories of ego... it eliminates the idea that you are special or unique in any way. The more you take, the more distant the memories that are erased. If you take enough you return to the same state of awareness that you were when you were born. Konrad wants to be the only one who doesn't take this stuff... he wants to release it into the water, or air... and reduce the population into a spineless, whimpering lot that he can rule and manipulate.
I learned by listening to the micro transmitter that Konrad had been insisting that Ozerov takes the blocker, and was prohibited from actually doing Sanctity at all. I guess he wanted Ozerov to stay as 'sharp' and 'evil' as he... and use him for all he can... But in this meeting, Konrad has told Ozerov to stop taking the blocker... This also makes me think that Konrad has already started to send the drug out to everyone in some form... perhaps just the office... I will need to find out more. I certainly don't feel any different.
But, Sergio... This is Konrad's error... What he doesn't realize is that when a person loses sense of ego, he knows 'all is one' and this is a strength. Konrad believes this to be a weakness. This is how we can win this Sergio, this is Konrad's fatal error. This is a gift: if we can manage to play into his hands, Konrad can give us strength when he thinks he is giving us weakness. If, of course, it can be done without getting killed by him, just for fun, in the meantime.
The tension I see in Ozerov is not that of maddness brewing just below the surface, but instead it is the strain of someone who has merged with God. The strain of someone who is forcing himself to do the dirty work of Konrad in order to stay close enough to destroy him. Ozerov was pleased that you had experienced the drug, but to Konrad, he had to act like he was pleased for a different reason. And he was sad when it had not destroyed enough of your ego to stop you from confronting Konrad and putting him in the position to kill you, but he had to act angered by you for a different reason. And he was relieved when you left town, but had to act relieved that you were gone, for different reasons. I am sure the only actor that could play his role in the movie of this story could be Kevin Spacey... and even he would find this a stretch of his abilities.
I am thinking, that Ozerov is actually kind of a nice guy... Wait, here he comes.
I will leave the voice recorder on and program it to send you the whole transcript of this message automatically...
"Ozerov, is there something I can do for you?"
"Ingrid... Genovese..." he whispers, "I must do this while I still have an ounce of perspective... You have been faithful to me, and I have kept you alive, (albeit disfigured into this hideous creature) but I cannot trust even you. Konrad is moving forward with the release of Sanctity and I need someone to play on his level. I have given you the blocker to keep you paranoid and fearful enough to keep my secret, but now I must give you something more..."
there are sounds of a rustling, a brief small struggle, like when someone is trying to get a spider out of someone else's hair... and a tiny gasp
"Ozerov, what have you done to me?!"
"The implant contains AntiSanctity plus a Sanctity blocker... you will not only not be able to experience Sanctity, you will bcome even more judgemental, cynical and fearful than Konrad himself. Although you and I both know there is the ultimate strength in 'all is one', for now, we need a player to match Konrad's style. I cannot keep up this facade of not having taken Sanctity any longer as now Konrad will be expecting me to be on it. For this I am glad. Of course you know that only I have the ability to take this out of you, so I know that you will become paranoid and fearful enough to keep me alive at least long enough to remove the implant and return you to your normal state. Without me you will be like Konrad forever. Perhaps after some time you will not care, but for now you do remember how sweet life can be.... I am sorry, please forgive me."
"Ozerove, I.... " Oh my God, I feel strange.... "Ozerov, wait, I...... I.... you fucking bastard, you fucking psycho hippie BASTARD!!! You think you have that power over me? YOU THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME??? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM.... YOU FUCKING FUCKING LITTLE BASTARD."
This message has been sent automatically
from the voice transcriber of Agent TF43
Well, it has been a while. So much has happened and I am glad you are so far away. I needed all my focus. That side mission Grigori gave you came at such a perfect time. You may or may not know, but you have been killed. At least that is what Konrad thinks.
Ozerov was visibly shaken the morning he was supposed to have the meeting with you. This was so out of character for Ozerov, so I stayed very close to him that day to find out all I could. He was going in and out of his office, bumping into things, the way people do when they are besides themselves. I figured if I got into his way enough he might explode and tell me something. But he didn't, he would simply look into my eyes... there were a couple of times that I thought I even saw a glimmer of warmth, but then his gaze would steel over and he would go back to looking right through me again.
Then, I was in his office and noticed a piece of paper that hadn't quite made it into the shredder. I managed to get it and it was a note to Ozerov from Konrad that said only two words: 'Kill Sergio'. Why he had not been more careful with such an incriminating piece of evidence is worrisome, but for now I will just be grateful for the warning.
I knew Grigori was planning on sending you out to help with a mission in the Russian National Circus, and so I let him know to send you right away. I am sorry, my darling... We can not risk you getting killed, and there is too much that we don't know about all the drugs here. I would rather have you alive and sharing your expertise about the art of the trapeze with Russian mafia, than dead in an office in Minsk. Ah, I remember those days, Sergio... you in the tights and leotard with the... bulges I couldn't take my eyes off of.... your muscles and your... If only i could have paid better attention to where your hands were, I may not have missed them and fallen so hard. You were so sweet to retire from the trapeze after my injury, nursing me back to health and helping with the physical therapy to get my foot to point forward again. Those days under the big top with you were some of my favorites.... but I digress
I fianlly did manage to break Ozerov's concentration... with my fat suit it wasn't difficult to continue to get in his way, even when I wasn't trying. I was at my desk stretching my sleeveless arms up just as he was walking by holding a spiral notebook, and the spiral got caught in my armpit hair. Since I knew you were going out of town, I had taken to growing my own instead of using the glue on kind and it really hurt! There was a bit of a tussle while he tried to extricate the notebook and as I sat there clasping my stinging arm to my side he said: "Genovese, now more than ever you MUST NOT let Konrad know I have taken the Sanctity." Then he exclaimed half under his breath and half to me: "Damn it Sergio, why did you have to piss off Konrad? ....We were almost there."
So Genovese was indeed, in on something. We know Ozerov didn't kill her, but he definitely needs to keep her close, as Ingrid. He has never blown this cover until now. He has always been so careful. We also learn from this that he really did want to confide in you to bring Konrad down... and he doesn't want to kill you. But why would his taking Sanctity be something to keep from Konrad? I would have figured Konrad wanted everyone under his control with this dreamy mollifying drug. I have since learned the answer to that question too, but first let me continue.
If Ozerov didn't want to make you dead, I could at least make you gone... and maybe gone could be as good as dead. I would rather have you 'dead' in a Russian circus, than alive in an office in Minsk, getting killed...When you didn't show up at Ozerov's meeting, I created some 'evidence' that you were out of the country, fled.... I assured Ozerov that you would not be coming back for a while. Ozerov took that opportunity to create a story for Konrad that you had been killed and your body had been destroyed.
Now, for the Sanctity... First let me say that there is no antidote... only a blocker. Konrad keeps the blocker with him... and he has plenty of it, but I have not learned what form it is in... i don't know if it is a pill, vaporizor or liquid. This blocker needs to be taken before Sanctity is taken. I am not sure of all the details.... but I do know that Sanctity cannot be reversed... it's acute stage definitely subsides, you come down from the high, but the memory of the experience stays forever. The paradox is that it is actually a memory eraser, but of a very specific kind... It destroys all memories of ego... it eliminates the idea that you are special or unique in any way. The more you take, the more distant the memories that are erased. If you take enough you return to the same state of awareness that you were when you were born. Konrad wants to be the only one who doesn't take this stuff... he wants to release it into the water, or air... and reduce the population into a spineless, whimpering lot that he can rule and manipulate.
I learned by listening to the micro transmitter that Konrad had been insisting that Ozerov takes the blocker, and was prohibited from actually doing Sanctity at all. I guess he wanted Ozerov to stay as 'sharp' and 'evil' as he... and use him for all he can... But in this meeting, Konrad has told Ozerov to stop taking the blocker... This also makes me think that Konrad has already started to send the drug out to everyone in some form... perhaps just the office... I will need to find out more. I certainly don't feel any different.
But, Sergio... This is Konrad's error... What he doesn't realize is that when a person loses sense of ego, he knows 'all is one' and this is a strength. Konrad believes this to be a weakness. This is how we can win this Sergio, this is Konrad's fatal error. This is a gift: if we can manage to play into his hands, Konrad can give us strength when he thinks he is giving us weakness. If, of course, it can be done without getting killed by him, just for fun, in the meantime.
The tension I see in Ozerov is not that of maddness brewing just below the surface, but instead it is the strain of someone who has merged with God. The strain of someone who is forcing himself to do the dirty work of Konrad in order to stay close enough to destroy him. Ozerov was pleased that you had experienced the drug, but to Konrad, he had to act like he was pleased for a different reason. And he was sad when it had not destroyed enough of your ego to stop you from confronting Konrad and putting him in the position to kill you, but he had to act angered by you for a different reason. And he was relieved when you left town, but had to act relieved that you were gone, for different reasons. I am sure the only actor that could play his role in the movie of this story could be Kevin Spacey... and even he would find this a stretch of his abilities.
I am thinking, that Ozerov is actually kind of a nice guy... Wait, here he comes.
I will leave the voice recorder on and program it to send you the whole transcript of this message automatically...
"Ozerov, is there something I can do for you?"
"Ingrid... Genovese..." he whispers, "I must do this while I still have an ounce of perspective... You have been faithful to me, and I have kept you alive, (albeit disfigured into this hideous creature) but I cannot trust even you. Konrad is moving forward with the release of Sanctity and I need someone to play on his level. I have given you the blocker to keep you paranoid and fearful enough to keep my secret, but now I must give you something more..."
there are sounds of a rustling, a brief small struggle, like when someone is trying to get a spider out of someone else's hair... and a tiny gasp
"Ozerov, what have you done to me?!"
"The implant contains AntiSanctity plus a Sanctity blocker... you will not only not be able to experience Sanctity, you will bcome even more judgemental, cynical and fearful than Konrad himself. Although you and I both know there is the ultimate strength in 'all is one', for now, we need a player to match Konrad's style. I cannot keep up this facade of not having taken Sanctity any longer as now Konrad will be expecting me to be on it. For this I am glad. Of course you know that only I have the ability to take this out of you, so I know that you will become paranoid and fearful enough to keep me alive at least long enough to remove the implant and return you to your normal state. Without me you will be like Konrad forever. Perhaps after some time you will not care, but for now you do remember how sweet life can be.... I am sorry, please forgive me."
"Ozerove, I.... " Oh my God, I feel strange.... "Ozerov, wait, I...... I.... you fucking bastard, you fucking psycho hippie BASTARD!!! You think you have that power over me? YOU THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME??? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM.... YOU FUCKING FUCKING LITTLE BASTARD."
This message has been sent automatically
from the voice transcriber of Agent TF43
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